Well this is all sinking in more and more. I really have problems and I have never had a larger regret in my entire life. Who tells someone they love to basically hit the road and find someone else? Have a good life!
I’m very upset with myself and am even having a hard time believing that this was my doing. Things will never be the same again. You can’t go back from this.
I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I am 31 years old and this is my life. This is the emotional immaturity that I am.
To top it all off, my insurance changed and my copays are 4x what they were before. I’m hoping my family can help me because if they can’t or won’t, I won’t be able to continue therapy.
Not happy with myself.
I seriously can’t fucking win. Everything in every possible scenario with this whole fucking situation just enrages me and upsets me and makes me feel like pure shit.
Why do I even care? Right!? I mean why? I have no right to care. What the hell.
I will never be ok. Fucking never. I shouldn’t be here.
Apparently it is the answer to my problems. I don’t even remember what I’ve been posting (without going back and reading, which I don’t feel like doing), but we are broken up again.
Nothing is really good. I mean, I feel free from all of the torture that my issues cause me in being in a relationship, but it still sucks to know that in order to be ok, I need to be single and alone. It is literally the safest place to be in my life.
I self-harmed the other day. I don’t even remember what triggered me. I just know that I wasn’t ok. On the verge of going to the hospital again and I knew that would help release some of what was all pent up inside of me. It helped. I know I know…it’s so terrible, don’t do that. Sorry, but it helps and sometimes I fall into it. It was t that bad at all.
So through all of this, even though I am freed from my issues, at least in some sense, it still sucks, you know? He’s a good guy. A great guy I think, but in my head he is just like the rest and I literally just cannot handle the pain it causes me. It’s all so confusing.
So I’ll stay alone. It’s better for everyone. I will never put another human being through this. Me. I won’t.
Apparently the answer is the latter. I just went through all of my posts. I was looking for this poem I wrote a while back but lost and it really upsets me because it was my most favorite poem I have ever written. That and another which was motivated by a dream I had. I’m really bummed because it is nowhere.
Anyway. I haven’t moved. I haven’t gotten any better. I’m the same. Same struggles. Same issues. Same bad days. Same triggers. New triggers which is really a step back.
I feel like I’ve also lost some creativity and that’s going to change. I feel like I’ve covered every topic there is to cover but there is always new research I could be doing or at least some betters ways at creatively writing.
Call me Debby Downer but I don’t see movement or progress in my future.
I am not in a good place and despite this being my personal blog, my place to get out whatever I need to get out, I’m not in the mood for backlash.
Let’s just say that I am a very angry and hateful person toward certain types of people and it really sucks that it is that way but it is that way.
I need to just be alone. Like forever. It would relieve me of all of the worries I have and the things that are constantly consuming me and bringing me right back to this very place.
I’m tired and I’m done.
So I am sitting here at work. That’s it. Just sitting here. I’m bored as fuck. Shit is so slow right now.
On a home front. Shit is what it is. I’m hanging in there the best way I know how.
Not sure my new sleeping meds work either but I still have some testing to do. So we will see.
It’s a mess, you know
My life, my mind
I’m constantly in the middle of a storm
Caught right in the eye
I don’t think they understand me
We just aren’t the same
They are them and I am me
We just aren’t the same
I can see how they conduct themselves
I can see how they all relate
To each other and to the world
I can see how they live and it’s just not like me
They don’t feel things like I do
I know this, I do
I know the signs so I’d know if that weren’t true
You can’t hide the signs
I can’t hide me, what I go through
That’s part of my package
The never ending cycle that is the storm I’m caught in
The storm that I am
The one that never gives but always takes
It is me
I am the storm