Reflection

Well this is all sinking in more and more. I really have problems and I have never had a larger regret in my entire life. Who tells someone they love to basically hit the road and find someone else? Have a good life!

I’m very upset with myself and am even having a hard time believing that this was my doing. Things will never be the same again. You can’t go back from this. 

I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I am 31 years old and this is my life. This is the emotional immaturity that I am. 

To top it all off, my insurance changed and my copays are 4x what they were before. I’m hoping my family can help me because if they can’t or won’t, I won’t be able to continue therapy.

Not happy with myself.

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It ALL Hurts!!!

I seriously can’t fucking win. Everything in every possible scenario with this whole fucking situation just enrages me and upsets me and makes me feel like pure shit.

Why do I even care? Right!? I mean why? I have no right to care. What the hell.

I will never be ok. Fucking never. I shouldn’t be here.

What is Alone

Apparently it is the answer to my problems. I don’t even remember what I’ve been posting (without going back and reading, which I don’t feel like doing), but we are broken up again.

Nothing is really good. I mean, I feel free from all of the torture that my issues cause me in being in a relationship, but it still sucks to know that in order to be ok, I need to be single and alone. It is literally the safest place to be in my life.

I self-harmed the other day. I don’t even remember what triggered me. I just know that I wasn’t ok. On the verge of going to the hospital again and I knew that would help release some of what was all pent up inside of me. It helped. I know I know…it’s so terrible, don’t do that. Sorry, but it helps and sometimes I fall into it. It was t that bad at all.

So through all of this, even though I am freed from my issues, at least in some sense, it still sucks, you know? He’s a good guy. A great guy I think, but in my head he is just like the rest and I literally just cannot handle the pain it causes me. It’s all so confusing.

So I’ll stay alone. It’s better for everyone. I will never put another human being through this. Me. I won’t.

To Move or Not to Move

Apparently the answer is the latter. I just went through all of my posts. I was looking for this poem I wrote a while back but lost and it really upsets me because it was my most favorite poem I have ever written. That and another which was motivated by a dream I had. I’m really bummed because it is nowhere.

Anyway. I haven’t moved. I haven’t gotten any better. I’m the same. Same struggles. Same issues. Same bad days. Same triggers. New triggers which is really a step back.

I feel like I’ve also lost some creativity and that’s going to change. I feel like I’ve covered every topic there is to cover but there is always new research I could be doing or at least some betters ways at creatively writing.

Call me Debby Downer but I don’t see movement or progress in my future.

Square 1

I am not in a good place and despite this being my personal blog, my place to get out whatever I need to get out, I’m not in the mood for backlash.

Let’s just say that I am a very angry and hateful person toward certain types of people and it really sucks that it is that way but it is that way.

I need to just be alone. Like forever. It would relieve me of all of the worries I have and the things that are constantly consuming me and bringing me right back to this very place. 

I’m tired and I’m done.

Bored

So I am sitting here at work. That’s it. Just sitting here. I’m bored as fuck. Shit is so slow right now.

On a home front. Shit is what it is. I’m hanging in there the best way I know how.

Not sure my new sleeping meds work either but I still have some testing to do. So we will see.

Just thoughts

It’s a mess, you know

My life, my mind

I’m constantly in the middle of a storm

Caught right in the eye

I don’t think they understand me

We just aren’t the same

They are them and I am me

We just aren’t the same

I can see how they conduct themselves

I can see how they all relate

To each other and to the world 

I can see how they live and it’s just not like me

They don’t feel things like I do

I know this, I do

I know the signs so I’d know if that weren’t true

You can’t hide the signs

I can’t hide me, what I go through

That’s part of my package

The outbursts

The tears

The rage

The frustration

The never ending cycle that is the storm I’m caught in

The storm that I am

The one that never gives but always takes

It is me

I am the storm