Confused *Trigger warning*

I am so confused. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now or what I need. And that in itself is such a terrible place to be. I feel like there is just no hope for me.

I am feeling suicidal again. I just want to watch myself bleed. I wish I could watch myself die. I feel like I would get peace out of that. Like I could see myself ending the misery and torment. My last moments of this fucking mental hell and slipping off into freedom.

I don’t want to do anything and yet I need to do something. I just don’t know what. I feel very anxiously scattered all over the place. It’s no wonder I don’t have friends. I am so consumed by this bullshit. It doesn’t let me live. I feel like it holds me captive. Like an abusive boyfriend. I’ve been there and even that is better than this BPD hell. I would happily take that over this if it meant no more BPD. At least you can get out of a bad relationship. This is like a life sentence.

I wish there was help for me. I wish I could go into some sort of treatment facility and really get better. I just want to cry. Some of my thoughts I just can’t even tell anyone. People would be upset and worried. This just never seems to end.

On the Brink of Insanity

My god. I feel like I’m going to lose my god damn mind. My thoughts are racing, my anxiety is rising, I feel like I’m going to snap. The thought of having to go home to my kids and fake being ok seems almost impossible. I feel like I need to run away for a little. Just go. Somewhere. I need to do something to get this evil poison out of me. I am freaking out and I can tell I need to breakdown. Cry. But I can’t get there. I know if I break and cry I will feel better but this fuckin shit knows just how to play me.

I feel like a puppet to this BPD bastard and it’s just constantly toying with me. I want it out of me. I want it out of my body. I don’t know how to get it out.

I don’t know where to go or what to do. I can’t slow down. I already took my anxiety meds twice and it’s not helping. I just need to crash already. Just let me cry. Let me feel. Don’t just fuck me around and torture me and steal me away. Just let me go and let me feel the hurt so I don’t have to do stupid things to get you away from me. Leave me alone already!!! 

Down in the dumps

Today just isn’t a good day! I’m very depressed and am starting to panic. I just want emotions to go away. Life is so much easier without them. The only thing I wish to feel is love for my kids and family. Why can’t it be that easy.

I feel like everything is caving in on me. I don’t like this.

I just want to cry a good cry. My last self harm left a decent scar and sadly it’s the word hate. I will have to tattoo over that.

I just need to get through this hump and I will be ok. I don’t have therapy next til the 28th. I wish it was today. But I do see my psychiatrist on Friday.

I hate everything right now. The only joy in my life right now is the birthday party I am planning for my daughter. She is going to be so happy. I can’t wait to see her face and to watch her and her friends have a good time.

Therapy and Finances

So I need to significantly cut back on therapy; like to once a month. I simply can’t afford it. It’s one of my biggest expenses and I just don’t have the money for it. My mom was going to help a little but only enough for two visits and that right there takes care of one therapy appointment and my med management appointment each month.

Finances are as bad as they’ve ever been. I’ve been leaving bills unpaid because I just don’t have any other choice. I don’t go out. I don’t buy myself things. I buy things for my kids whenever possible but they both need more. It kills me. So I’ve been not paying bills so I can at least feel like I have some sort of financial freedom. I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of killing myself over it. My credit is already fucked so who cares anymore.

I’m hoping when I get my real estate license, soon I hope, that it works out well. Just a couple of sales a year and I will be in a much better place than I am now. Hell, if I can sell one house I’d be happy. At this rate I would be happy getting 5 bucks standing on the side of the street with a cardboard sign.

Why can’t I?

Why can’t I just be normal? I have been trying to just embrace who I am, but today I’m having a really hard time with it. Why can’t I have things that normal people have? Why?

I am as comfortable in my life as I could possibly be, situation wise, but today I just feel empty and wish I didn’t have issues and was healthy. My life would be so much different right now if I were normal.

This is my comfort zone. Where I am right now. My situation. It is safe and fulfilling. As fulfilling as it can get anyway. I just don’t understand why this is what I need in order to be ok. What most people would frown upon is what makes me ok. It’s safety. 

I don’t know. Right now, today, I’m not very happy with my issues and how they make me need to live my life. I’m not mad at my situation, just mad that I wouldn’t be ok in what most would consider to be a better situation.

Disciplining my kids

I really hate when my kids do things that require discipline. It’s like a trigger for me. It makes me feel bad and mean and like they must hate me. 

I know inside somewhere that discipline is necessary and healthy (when done right) but I still can’t shake how it makes me feel. Like, if you would just do what you’re told, you wouldn’t get things taken away.

It sucks.

Looking Up

Well things are turning around. Break up is official. I was really upset but now I’m feeling better about it. Relationships just aren’t for me and I accept that. This is just who I am and I accept that I don’t need to fit into this mold that I think I should fit into. I am ok just being me and needing what I need for myself, and not what society may think I should be.

In a month or so I will begin studying to get my real estate license. I need extra income. My sister is a realtor so we are going to team up and work together. I’m really excited about it and hope it works out well.

Money has been tight lately, not that that is news or anything. I have had some positives in that respect so I can’t complain too much. I’m making it so that is really all that matters.

I have therapy all set up through March so that is good. My meds are all figured out and perfect now so that is also good. Things are looking up 🙂

For today…

I give up. This is just too much to handle. I fucked up. We both know. I get it but you either want to give me one more chance or you don’t. I am ready whenever. This is your call when YOU are ready, if you ever will be. 

Fear Driven

I know I am posting a lot but talking to myself is better than holding it in.

I am understanding my impatience about this whole thing. It is really just fear. Fear that during the waiting period he will forget about me. He will realize he is better off without me. And maybe that will be the case and that will just have to be something I deal with.

This impatience driven by fear really just tells me that I’m not ready yet. I’m not where I need to be or where he wants me to be. Intellectually I know that I want to be with him and I will bust my ass to be a better person for him and myself. However, emotionally, I’m unprepared and just not in that healthy place that I should be.

Keep going. It’s barely been any time at all. There is work to be done and it needs done whether we get back together or not. Of course, if we don’t, I will have a whole new shit show to work with in therapy, but these are positive strides nonetheless and I need more consistency here before I am ready for anything.