And still…

I’m still very disappointed and ashamed of myself. I just can’t even comprehend how I got to this place. How I could let these issues rule over me and make such a huge mess of my life.

He wants me to take time to really understand what we had. Do you know how painful that feels. I already know. I don’t need more pain to know that I fucked up. I feel it. I have felt it. I get it. I don’t like this and I just want to ease these feelings.

I wanted to self harm so badly last night but I didn’t. I don’t know how else to handle this though. I’m trying so hard to hold my shit together and get through this but it all seems so far out of reach and it’s killing me. I literally feel like I am slowly dying.

He thinks I don’t get it but I fucking do. I pushed away someone so incredibly important to me because I was, what, afraid? Well this feels a thousand times worse. Fuck mental illness. Fuck it!

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