Some clarity

So I’m feeling half ok today. Yesterday felt like a breakthrough. Finally understanding where I am, where I’ve been, and where I need to be; mentally.

I’ve never been very hopeful of getting better but that’s not even an option anymore. I don’t know if he will even still be available or want me when I am where I need to be, but I need to do this. Even just for myself. This illness has officially ruined my life and I can’t allow that anymore.

I have some things planned for myself and some back up plans as needed. I am going to be blogging a lot probably just to keep myself going and to be able to reflect.

Therapy is first and foremost. I finally found a sleep med and regimen that works so that takes care of my meds finally. Therapy, I am going back to weekly sessions and will take the hit on losing work time. That’s why I have FMLA. I may as well use it.

I am going to be working more on skills, mainly finding and using wise mind as often as I can. I also have some meditatation tools that I am going to be working with on a daily basis.

I keep telling myself that I am not magically better. I know I will still struggle. I will have intense emotions that may set me out of control, but I am trying to keep focused on returning to this place. I don’t process things but I can’t and won’t ever learn to process anything if I turn everything into rage or act like everything is butterflies and rainbows all of the time. I’m allowed to not feel ok, but that doesn’t have to mean that I need to self harm or kill myself either. I’m going to find this gray area I’ve been trying to find my whole life. 

I will do this.

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