This is a letter to me. I figured I should write this while I’m in a clear mindset. I am starting to feel some emotions and I will surely need this when things get rough.
Are you sad? Yes. Does this hurt? Yes. It does. It hurts a lot. And of course it will. It makes sense that you’re sad and hurting. You lost someone you care about deeply and anyone would be feeling sad and hurt right now. Losing someone is hard, especially when the fault is your own. You can sit here and be down on yourself if you want. You can degrade yourself, put yourself down and point fingers at yourself for as long as you want. Sure, you could self harm, think about suicide and give yourself reason after reason as to why you should do that, you could go to the hospital again. Is that really what you want though? No. What you want is to feel better, to do better. Those things will halt your progress. They will keep you steps away from where you want to be. Him aside, you deserve to be happy, to feel good, to be loved and to love. It’s no secret that you have a mental illness and sometimes it will kick your ass, but you have to kick back and taking care of yourself and making it through this is the best way to do that. The more good you do, the easier it will get and the less control it will have over you.
Does it still hurt? Of course it does. You can’t stop the pain and you shouldn’t. You just need to learn how to process it in a healthy way and be productive with it. It is possible. Do it now. Keep doing it. You will be ok. Take this pain and use it to your advantage to learn more about yourself and life. You got this.