Confused *Trigger warning*

I am so confused. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now or what I need. And that in itself is such a terrible place to be. I feel like there is just no hope for me.

I am feeling suicidal again. I just want to watch myself bleed. I wish I could watch myself die. I feel like I would get peace out of that. Like I could see myself ending the misery and torment. My last moments of this fucking mental hell and slipping off into freedom.

I don’t want to do anything and yet I need to do something. I just don’t know what. I feel very anxiously scattered all over the place. It’s no wonder I don’t have friends. I am so consumed by this bullshit. It doesn’t let me live. I feel like it holds me captive. Like an abusive boyfriend. I’ve been there and even that is better than this BPD hell. I would happily take that over this if it meant no more BPD. At least you can get out of a bad relationship. This is like a life sentence.

I wish there was help for me. I wish I could go into some sort of treatment facility and really get better. I just want to cry. Some of my thoughts I just can’t even tell anyone. People would be upset and worried. This just never seems to end.

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3 thoughts on “Confused *Trigger warning*

  1. I know that I don’t know what your thoughts were when you wrote this, but I used to think there were so many parts of me that no one would ever accept. I understand that that’s not the same as actually having people one can talk to about things, but I have come to find people I can be more open with and to realise that most of these things weren’t indicators of something “bad” or shameful about me. (Are there any online communities you could join if you can’t speak to the people you currently have in your life?) It makes sense that you’re hurting (massive understatement!). It sounds like you’re in intense pain. Your brain is telling you lies that you don’t deserve friends and there is no hope. Even writing your blog is an act of defiance against these problems, and determination. I see you as very strong and working to manage these problems, although I’m not pretending this is easy for you.

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