I am so confused. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now or what I need. And that in itself is such a terrible place to be. I feel like there is just no hope for me.
I am feeling suicidal again. I just want to watch myself bleed. I wish I could watch myself die. I feel like I would get peace out of that. Like I could see myself ending the misery and torment. My last moments of this fucking mental hell and slipping off into freedom.
I don’t want to do anything and yet I need to do something. I just don’t know what. I feel very anxiously scattered all over the place. It’s no wonder I don’t have friends. I am so consumed by this bullshit. It doesn’t let me live. I feel like it holds me captive. Like an abusive boyfriend. I’ve been there and even that is better than this BPD hell. I would happily take that over this if it meant no more BPD. At least you can get out of a bad relationship. This is like a life sentence.
I wish there was help for me. I wish I could go into some sort of treatment facility and really get better. I just want to cry. Some of my thoughts I just can’t even tell anyone. People would be upset and worried. This just never seems to end.