Sometimes I feel like my blog is the only one I can talk to. I just don’t trust or want to burden people, or they just aren’t helping, and this is all I have left.
I’m out drinking. I just can’t bare anything right now. Everything hurts and right now I just need to numb the pain. Get out of myself. Idk. Anywhere but here. In my head.
I am so tired of this life. So fucking tired. I’ve been so stressed out lately and I am just this ticking time bomb that explodes over the smallest things and resets and blows up over and over. I’m starting to have nightmares again. Not sleeping soundly at all.
Something has got to give. Alcohol is all I have right now.
It’s just really sad to me that I will never get to experience what it’s like to be in a normal loving relationship. My BPD just won’t allow for it. It won’t allow for anyone to get past its walls. It won’t allow me to be cared for without hurting and going crazy.
I am so tired of hurting. Like my whole body. Just agony. All of the time. I always hope each time will be different but it never is. When will I get it?
I am an intense person (thanks BPD) and no one can truly handle my intensity. I try to keep myself in check but then I just hold so much inside. Then I explode.
It’s over. I give in and I will stay alone.
Living with BPD is pure fucking hell.
If it weren’t for my kids and my dog, well if I weren’t already dead, I would be committing suicide instead of writing this fucking post.
I am so tired of not being able to handle anything. I just want to never feel again. Emptiness sucks but empty is better than all of this. This is overwhelming. Too instense. Intolerable.
I am in so much pain emotionally I feel like I will explode or just fucking break. I can’t function. I just need everyone and everything out of my life except for a select few who have proven to be good for me. That’s maybe about 5 people. This is my life. Lonely and unable to do absolutely anything about it because it all just hurts too damn much.