No Love

It’s just really sad to me that I will never get to experience what it’s like to be in a normal loving relationship. My BPD just won’t allow for it. It won’t allow for anyone to get past its walls. It won’t allow me to be cared for without hurting and going crazy.

I am so tired of hurting. Like my whole body. Just agony. All of the time. I always hope each time will be different but it never is. When will I get it?

I am an intense person (thanks BPD) and no one can truly handle my intensity. I try to keep myself in check but then I just hold so much inside. Then I explode.

It’s over. I give in and I will stay alone.

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14 thoughts on “No Love

  1. It must be awful for you to have to live through this.

    I read the book by Rachel Reiland recently and it filled me with sadness and joy to see her recover with the assistance of a kind, compassionate and empathetic therapist.

    For everyone with BPD, it is your choice to seek meaningful recovery. This most likely means therapy, and commitment to it, however painful and difficult you may find this journey -it is a matter of life and death. Neither a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend nor wife will achieve this for you. Seeking this from these relationships alone is a futile wild goose chase.

    You have survived to date, you have it within you, you can achieve difficult things, and it is your choice to make at each turn, always.

    1. Thank you. I do go to therapy. I’ve been in therapy for years but only recently found one that I really like and who specializes in BPD. You’re right in that I can’t find what I need to heal in someone else but people still need to feel cared for. Thank you though. I do make choices to get better. It’s just a hard battle.

      1. I hope you find someone who can and is willing to commit take care of you, and support you alongside your recovery. I say ‘hope’ because men who have strong cores AND are willing and able to be compassionate, empathetic and caring are few and far between.

  2. In every relationship, both parties to it are equally responsible for the way the relationship develops (50/50). As a non-PD, I came to realise that when in a relationship with a BPD, a very secure sense of self and an extraordinary ability to demonstrate a level of empathy and radical acceptance is required.

    A lot of non-PDs who only have experience of relationships with non-PDs are unaware of the level of empathy and radical acceptance required in maintaining a relationship with a BPD when embarking on such a relationship, so many decide to run a mile, or risk becoming codependents leading to a situation whereby communication channels consistently do not meet and trust is later perceived to be broken, which in turn leads to resentment on both parties and the end of the relationship.

    I for one, was one of them and learned the hard way, and whilst learning, I made mistakes. Not that I was wrong, just that I may have failed to communicate effectively, (i.e. in an empathetic, clear and firm manner) what was acceptable to me, and what was not. This doesn’t make myself a bad person, nor does it mean she was a bad person. Just that we failed to meet one another’s expectations through a manner of communication which meant we failed to understand one another’s preferences, allowed hurt, resentment to build, leading to the breakdown of the relationship.

    So what I meant was that I hope that the next person you meet has a core strength, cares enough to at least try to understand the pain you are going through, remains strong and steadfast in supporting you make good choices. 🙂

      1. I’d like to ask you a question and I would be grateful if you could answer me openly.

        Following a moment with your partner, do you

        1) Recall the moment; and
        2) Can you remember the reasons why you reacted in the way you did?

        3) Do you regret it and apologise?
        4) If you apologise, can you give reasons for your apology?

        I am just curious to know because she would not always recall what was said or done, she would apologise ‘for everything’ without being specific about what it was she was sorry for, so my perspective was that she lacked remorse, because she did not appear to me to realise how much her actions (individually and collectively) were hurting me (though I now accept that I was ALLOWING her actions to hurt me).

        I’d be grateful for any insight.

      2. No I typically did not remember the incident. I wouldn’t remember all I said or did. I certainly would rarely remember what got me to that point. I think I mainly apologized because I knew I had caused damage and was terrified the person would leave me. I hate to admit but maybe there was a lack of remorse. We don’t always view our actions as bad or extreme. They seem normal to us because that’s what we are used to. We are like children that way. I don’t think I could ever fully grasp how much hurt some of my words may cause. It’s like a child telling their parent they hate them. They don’t fully get how hurtful that is. They can sense it was wrong but the remorse is lacking in the sense of why they should truly be remorseful. They mainly show remorse because they can tell it was t right but to fully grasp it, they just don’t have that capability yet. We are emotionally immature. That’s why one of my therapists told me. So in a way it’s not our fault. We need to learn how to mature but we can only work with what we have.

  3. Thank you for your response – I really appreciate it.

    It explains to me why, after she punched my jaw twice (requiring me to be admitted to Accident and Emergency to check if my jaw was fractured/dislocated), she said something like ‘well there was nothing wrong with your jaw, so what is the big deal?’. Haha.

    I laugh now, but at the time, I was thinking ‘WTF?!?’. We were speaking of having children prior to the incident and I thought to myself ‘no fricking way unless she resolves this issue herself’.

    Alas, it happened again last February, which is why the relationship is over. I appreciate that feelings are not one’s fault and neither should they be invalidated, however, actions on the other hand, one has to be held accountable for these.

    1. I agree with you. Our illness is not an excuse. An explanation, but never an excuse. In my opinion, being held accountable is part of getting better. We won’t know how our actions affect others if there is no accountability. I’m sorry to hear that happened to you.

  4. Thanks, it wasn’t all bad. I’ll cherish the special moments too, moments I cannot really explain here (and no I am not just referencing sex). I now realise that one side could not exist without the other. Over time, her harsh lioness/punitive parent character was a side which I chose not to live with, however I am missing the other side of her.

  5. Actually, I’ll correct that, it was not so much her harsh lioness, but rather the punitive parent (exhibiting physical violence) that I could not accept. Also, I was also not going to accept her need to sleep with another man. I say ‘need’ because really, this was how I perceived it. It was periodic in the sense that I noticed a pattern emerging, either by way of silent treatments, or more recently, when she said ‘i don’t want to hurt you, but I will anyway!’ Ouch.

    It was as if at certain times of the year, her imprinting shifted to this man. Like a memory of ‘feeling’, she had. So much so that she HAD to, if you can understand what I mean? It had nothing to do with me, she said. I was not lacking in any way, she said. I guess I can believe this, but still, I could not, and cannot accept this.

  6. So, what I am trying to say is:

    Certain times of the year, there would be an insatiable urge to meet up with him. It was unusual in the sense that say from November to February, he did not exist. February, urges would make themselves known (shame/rage), then end of March, then later in October, then the cycle began again in February, so it is not that she was secretly in love with him all the time, but only during these specific time frames, which suggests to me the imprinting phenomenon occurring – at these specific timeframes, her feeling memory for him would be triggered/awakened and he became the Favourite Boyfriend and off she needed to go.

    I am wondering whether a BPD here can confirm this theory to be broadly accurate? I do not wish to trigger .Just trying to understand.

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