Surgery follow up

Well I woke up from surgery. I was strongly triggered the evening before my surgery and pretty much lost it. I was so stressed out and on edge about the following morning and things just overwhelmed me and tunnel vision set in along with intense rage and suicidal thoughts.

Surgery went well. At least that’s what the doctor said. The pain is pretty immense. One overnight stay and it’s time to go home. I’m pretty sure it would have been beneficial for anyone with this surgery to stay a little longer but one night is all they do anymore.

I was trying not to look but had to clean around the incisions today and so I saw them for the first time. Ugh. The one looks really bad. I couldn’t even remove the bandage because it was just too much but I did remove the others. Tomorrow I try for a real shower.

I am pretty helpless right now but my neighbor has been helping me so much along with my mom and sister, and my daughter who did some cleaning before I came home.

Right now I am feeling ok. I took my pain meds and am able to move around. I haven’t been sleeping much but am trying to as much as I can even if only for 15 minutes at a time.

I could never do track…

So when it comes to physically running races, I am such a slow runner and would never get anywhere. Racing thoughts, however? I’d have trophies all over the place.

I have so much happening right now I can hardly stand myself. My brain is racing and speeding and winding through all kinds of bullshit and all I am left with is intense emotional pain.

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I don’t want to be awake so I can escape all of this. Why does my brain do this? Why is it so hard to control? I am held hostage by my own mind. A victim to myself. How is that even possible? And why?

I just want to hug my kids and let them know that I love them. Yea, I give them a hug and a kiss upon comings and goings and tell them I love them but I don’t do it enough otherwise. I feel like a terrible mother right now. Wtf.

I am so upset. I don’t want this anymore. I really don’t. I just want it to stop.

And why are people so unreliable? Why am I so easy to get rid of? Why do people say one thing and do another?

Over it all.