Figuring things out

Well I am 4 weeks post surgery and am feeling awesome. I am allowed to go back to work early, Monday, but was yelled at for working out so soon. Bummer because it was really making me feel good but I promised no more exercising for another two weeks. Only walking she said. Boo.

I’m really excited to get my routine back. I have noticed some really positive mood changes since surgery which may be some hormonal balance going on, but I’m curious to see if that remains after going back to work. I guess we will see.

I learned something about myself yesterday. In some ways it’s been right in front of me for years but I guess it was so normal to me because it’s how I grew up, that I never realized how much it added to my BPD symptoms. Long story short, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I need to do things that make me feel good, regardless of what others think, and I need to and deserve to refrain from things that don’t make me happy or feel good. And that needs to be respected or that person doesn’t deserve a place in my life. I am tired of people trying to change me. If I don’t want to go out because it affects my anxiety, then I don’t have to go. If I don’t feel comfortable doing something else, it’s final. I tend to go outside of my comfort zone too much for others and all it does is create a lot of internal conflict for me and a lot of resentment toward the other person until it turns into pure hatred and I explode. I’m so over that! And I feel great about this and great about myself.

This surgery has been somewhat life changing and although it had its own set of stressors, I’d do it all again.

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