Well I’ve been back at work since Monday. I was excited to come back so I could not only get back into my daily routine but so I could start getting a full paycheck again. Since coming back, I don’t feel well again and I’ve come to see that my job is a huge source of stress for me and stress for me leads to my BPD symptoms coming out, sometimes very strong. What’s causing the stress? Boredom. Sales have been down for quite some time and that means my job has been very slow. I literally, almost every day, sit and stare at my screen, play on my phone, surf the internet and listen to music. While some would think, “That’s great! You get paid to do that!?”, it kills me. Boredom is a playground for my BPD. It leads nowhere good. When I was home from surgery, I at least had a tv to escape into. I also didn’t listen to the doctor and did more activities than what I was supposed to, but I wasn’t bored like I am here. There is no mental stimulation whatsoever. That and I am just sitting. All day. Nothing active. When I was home, I was watching my fair share of tv because I wasn’t supposed to be doing much else, but I started working out every day, pulled weeds, cleaned. I DID things. I can’t do things here. I feel like I am wasting my time and life away when I could be doing real things that benefit me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I’ve accomplished some things here that were goals of mine and I am very proud of myself. I’ve gotten promoted a few times and have made it to supervisor and that felt really good. Do I want to give that up? No, not really. Do I need to? Maybe? Possibly. For my sanity.
So now what? The things I want to do will be tough transitions, and transitions they will be. They won’t be as easy as just finding a job and switching over from this to that all while not skipping a paycheck. I don’t want another 8-5 job where I sit at a desk and talk on the phone. I used to love this but it’s just not my thing anymore. Plus my job has evolved to where the accomplishments are so mundane anymore. I don’t get to use my creativity the way I used to when they first created this position. Everything evolves but this isn’t fulfilling anymore.
I decided a few months back that I was going to get my real estate license and do that on the side. My sister is a realtor so she was going to help me. Now I’m thinking I need to dive into that harder and hope it takes off enough that I can leave my job here and not be in financial hardship. What then? There’s more! I’ve always been into fitness. I got out of it for a little while after I did a Tough Mudder, but have recently started back up and I love it. Being active is good for me, mentally and physically. I want to be a yoga instructor. SO…to start, I’m going to start regularly attending yoga classes. It’s going to cost some money but I can make it work because that’s what I do. When I want something, I make it happen. (Except getting rid of this BPD shit. Can’t seem to do that.) So, current job and real estate, then real estate and yoga. It’d be awesome if yoga really took off and eventually I could have my own studio. That’s not a necessity but it’d be cool. I am excited for this change and while I would like it all to happen overnight, I know it will be, like I said before, a tough and long transition. It will surely take time and I need to be patient. The fact that I will have things in place to work up to this along the way will help me get through this job every day.
Now, to the “No Hope” part of my post title. My symptoms were next to nothing while I was at home recovering. They’ve since come back now that I’m working again and have met someone that I heaven forbid have some sort of feelings for. I don’t know why or how this happens. I want to be alone because I feel it’s safer, and someone always comes along. Being alone may be safer, but it’s lonely. I am trying to do things differently this time though. I usually rush the whole process and before I know it I’m in a committed relationship and shit hits the fan and then before I know it, it’s all trashed. Not this time. I have no idea if anything will come of it but I’m focusing on being friends first. My symptoms are still there, which makes it still very hard, but it’s a reminder to me as to why I need to move very slowly and cautiously with this. No sense in throwing titles in there only for them to have to be taken away because I “can’t handle it”. I feel good about this new approach. It’s how it should be anyway but it’s new to me and it feels good and right to do things this way.
I know this post is forever long, and if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I write for me, to get things out, but it’s nice when I hear or see that people have read it. I appreciate it. I’ve been working really hard at staying positive and not letting myself escalate out of control. I’ve had a couple of moments here and there, but I do give myself credit because I have done very well actually. I just sometimes feel like this will never go away. That is very discouraging, especially to know that I might be right. Might also not be right, but might be right.