I just posted a mini of this on my FB page. It’s really sad that when it comes down to it, the only ‘thing’ I have to talk to, is my blog and my FB page.
I drive people away with my intensity or pure insanity and I am left with nothing and no one. I don’t try to drive them away. I’m really trying to get them to stay but it pushes them away anyway. No one wants to deal with me, or can handle me. I have to be my own best listener and that is very hard.
I don’t want to deal with me either but I’m not going anywhere. I mean, it helps to write and get things out, but I just wish that the people I want to be there, would be there and not leave me. I get difficult, sure, but I’d like to hope that I deserve for them to be there. Try. Maybe I am just too much. I guess I know I am.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stop myself. Something will trigger me and I lose all control of my emotions and my actions. Things move so fast in my mind that I don’t even have the opportunity to think things through before I act out. Full reaction mode, and I realize it is all fear based. Fear of being left. I fear people leaving that I become so intense that it pushes them away. How ironic, huh.
I am alone right now. Trying to be ok. Those I was trying to reach out to have gone silent. I wish they knew how badly I hurt and why I do what I do. I always have good intentions, I just haven’t mastered the skills yet that most adults seem to have.
I’m feeling very hopeless. I don’t even want to go to therapy anymore. I’m not sure what I will do about it. I’m trying not to make anymore decisions until I am thinking more clearly. My anxiety is high, I am depressed at my recent destruction and I’m trying to really hard to keep myself calm.
I’m lonely right now. This is all I’ve got. This blog.