Nightmare Week

The past week has been terrible. I don’t even remember what I wrote about the other day. Maybe that was last night. I was in the middle of an episode when I wrote I think. I’m drawing blanks.

There’s so much going on. So much triggering shit. I want to hide, cry, throw up, panic. Why do things have to be this way? I know I know. Mandi, they don’t HAVE to be that way. No, maybe not, but they are. For those reading this that have BPD, I’m sure you understand. It feels so out of my control. Maybe I’m just not far enough into therapy yet.

Speaking of therapy, I don’t even feel like going anymore. I don’t remember if I wrote about it or not yet, but I all but stormed out of my psychiatrist’s office. He responded to something I said that was upsetting me, and it was the wrong answer and it pissed me off. So I ended the session. I was there for like less than 5 minutes. What a waste. I don’t want to have to face him again.

I have therapy on the 8th. First time in a couple of months because of my surgery. I’m going to go, I just don’t want to. There are things I don’t even want to tell her because I know what she will be thinking. I’m sure if I just tell her I don’t want to hear it and just want support, she will do that. She’s good with that. I just still know what she will be thinking and that will upset me.

I’m just tired of living with this. I just want to be normal. Emotionally normal. Every time I have an episode I tell myself I won’t do it again. That simple. I just won’t allow it. Before I know it, something triggers me and I’m doing it all over again. So out of control. I try but it is so much stronger than me. It’s just not fair. I’m losing things. I will always lose things so long as I’m like this. The things I want to keep, it pushes away. It’s just wrong. It’s a vicious spiral. Once I start with someone, I can’t seem to come back from it.

Last night I wanted to SH. I didn’t because it’s Summer and I can’t hide it. That and I thought maybe he would be repulsed and he would surely leave then. The other day I was ready to commit suicide. I had my plan and was so close until I read about it and realized it isn’t actually as easy as people think. There goes that idea. Probably better that way anyway. I’m still alive. Going through hell.


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