MEDS!! 

Fuck this. They don’t fucking work. At this point this trial and error is causing more anxiety. I need something that WORKS!!! WTF!?!

This is ridiculous.

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New meds & more

I guess I’ll start with the medication. My doctor prescribed Ativan for my anxiety. Low dose. I tried it and it didn’t really do much. He allowed for three a day so I tried two and I’m thinking it may be good. It doesn’t cure me of my anxiety but helps to take some of the edge off. We will see. I’m going to give it some more time.

Yesterday was AWFUL. Two significant stressful issues at work that left me crying at my desk. I don’t even want to talk about them because I’m trying not to obsess over them. I hate how my mind does that. It just keeps replaying things over and over. It’s consuming. Today didn’t start out well but I’m trying to be ok.

DBT skills. Lately I’ve been feeling like “fuck these so called skills”. They don’t work. They aren’t skills. They’re distractions. Which my therapist would probably say is a skill in and of itself. Isn’t distracting yourself from a problem the same as suppressing? I feel like I need to plead my case on this. It’s exhausting and all it does is make me feel like a failure when I can’t even manage to do a stupid skill that other people do mindlessly all of the time.

I guess that’s all. Things have been decent otherwise. Some good things going on. School started for the kids which means more work for me but it’s good for them. Sports and stuff.

New meds?

I see my psychiatrist today. It feels like it’s been forever. I’m hoping he will let me try a new anxiety medicine and if he does, I’m hoping it works. I don’t want to keep living like this everyday. It’s really effecting my life in all areas.

The last time I saw him I got hurt and angry and ended our session in just a couple of minutes. I just want to pretend that didn’t happen but I’m sure he will want to talk about it.

Aside from the anxiety and some way less than great spiritual roughness I’m going through right now, I think I am ok. I realized the other day that I think I have a friend. I’m afraid to really believe that yet but it seems like maybe it’s real. He was in a bad mental place and reached out to me. It felt good that he chose me. We share some of the same issues, like anxiety, so it’s nice to have someone to relate to. We’ve always been real honest with each other. I hope it’s real. I still don’t want to get too close but anyway. I’m going to hesitantly go with the flow.

Too much to handle

This anxiety is too much. It’s anxiety for no reason topped with anxiety about this interview I have tomorrow for this promotion. I can’t handle the anxiety for no reason let alone anything added. I just want to back out. Stay where I am. Eliminate this pressure. 

I wish I had more confidence. Lately all I see is what I hate about myself. I made a list the other day about things I like about myself and things I want to and can change.  First and formost I want to start working out again and get happier with my body. 

Ugh I feel awful. My anxiety always makes me paranoid. I’m afraid to go to sleep because then before I know it, it’s morning and the interview is so much sooner. I wish I never had to leave my house. Just stay home and be a mom. Safe in my house with no outside pressures. I don’t know how I survive.

Family feud 

So my mom and my daughter are at odds right now. Given the scenario and the way that day has gone, I had assumed that the night was going to end up just as it did: with my mom bringing my daughter home or my daughter wanting to come home.

Here’s the thing. They BOTH need to apologize. My mom is set that my daughter isn’t allowed back until she apologizes and means it. 

I am well aware of how my daughter is. She is my daughter and she is a lot like me in many ways. Unfortunately that also means that my mom is triggering for her; as she is for me. I was hearing about it all day from my daughter and could relate to how she was feeling because I remember how my mom was with me and I see this happening in real time with my daughter too.

What I think? They both need to sit down, emotions aside, and talk this through. They each need to be open to the other persons way of thinking and feeling and stop pointing fingers and be more self aware of themselves. Unfortunately, I say that more for my mom. By no means do I think this is all her fault. I just know the things she did that led up to this; just as I am aware of what set my mom off.

It’s a sticky situation and one that is causing me a lot of stress to be caught in the middle of.

So anxious and alone

I’ve lost too many people this year. My one friend that I lost a few months ago emailed me as if everything was fine. Wtf?! Yea, totally cool to fuck with my emotions. Much appreciated. I pretty much said that in my response. I don’t expect to hear back.

So now it’s just me. Feeling sad? Angry? Suicidal? Anxious? I’ve got no one to tell. Just me and my blog. Should be just fine.

I think I’m pulling back on the gym. It’s making me sick thinking about doing. I may suck it up financially and go with my initial at home plan. I just can’t go to a gym with all those people. Maybe one day but not today and I want to start this program ASAP.

Ugh. I wish I was someone else.

What is wrong with me

I fuck up each and every one of my relationships. I can’t keep a friend. I guess I don’t know how to be friends with someone. This is why I keep to myself. I don’t know why I even try.

My paranoia is so bad I just don’t know what to do. I feel so completely fucking unsafe. It’s unbearable. I need help and I don’t know what to do.

My anxiety meds don’t work. I need new ones. I need to see my therapist like now. This mental state is intolerable.

So fucked up

I can’t think straight. I am panicky and confused. I hate this state of mind. My anxiety meds stopped working over the past couple of months and now I have nothing. My appointment with my psychiatrist isn’t for another two weeks or so. It feels like forever. What am I supposed to do? There’s too much going on. Life has been so hectic and busy over the past couple of months I can’t stand it. It’s fucking me all up. I want to hide in my house. School starts back up for the kids soon. I’m not ready. I hate when routine changes. I don’t tolerate it well. I hate all of these changes and transitions. I feel overwhelmed. I need something I just don’t know what. I trust no one. 

I don’t even know

No idea what to name this post. I just lost what I considered to be a really good friend. I don’t even know what really happened. He thinks he is borderline and maybe he is. I don’t understand. Apparently I triggered him and reminded him of his ex but I still don’t know what I did. He ended our friendship last night. Apologized this morning. Then ended our friendship again this afternoon and sent me some not so nice messages.

If you’re reading this, I still don’t understand but I’m sorry for whatever I did.

I can’t win. People are not safe. Not even me. This whole thing has me so paranoid about life right now. I need to see my therapist.