Family feud 

So my mom and my daughter are at odds right now. Given the scenario and the way that day has gone, I had assumed that the night was going to end up just as it did: with my mom bringing my daughter home or my daughter wanting to come home.

Here’s the thing. They BOTH need to apologize. My mom is set that my daughter isn’t allowed back until she apologizes and means it. 

I am well aware of how my daughter is. She is my daughter and she is a lot like me in many ways. Unfortunately that also means that my mom is triggering for her; as she is for me. I was hearing about it all day from my daughter and could relate to how she was feeling because I remember how my mom was with me and I see this happening in real time with my daughter too.

What I think? They both need to sit down, emotions aside, and talk this through. They each need to be open to the other persons way of thinking and feeling and stop pointing fingers and be more self aware of themselves. Unfortunately, I say that more for my mom. By no means do I think this is all her fault. I just know the things she did that led up to this; just as I am aware of what set my mom off.

It’s a sticky situation and one that is causing me a lot of stress to be caught in the middle of.

So anxious and alone

I’ve lost too many people this year. My one friend that I lost a few months ago emailed me as if everything was fine. Wtf?! Yea, totally cool to fuck with my emotions. Much appreciated. I pretty much said that in my response. I don’t expect to hear back.

So now it’s just me. Feeling sad? Angry? Suicidal? Anxious? I’ve got no one to tell. Just me and my blog. Should be just fine.

I think I’m pulling back on the gym. It’s making me sick thinking about doing. I may suck it up financially and go with my initial at home plan. I just can’t go to a gym with all those people. Maybe one day but not today and I want to start this program ASAP.

Ugh. I wish I was someone else.

What is wrong with me

I fuck up each and every one of my relationships. I can’t keep a friend. I guess I don’t know how to be friends with someone. This is why I keep to myself. I don’t know why I even try.

My paranoia is so bad I just don’t know what to do. I feel so completely fucking unsafe. It’s unbearable. I need help and I don’t know what to do.

My anxiety meds don’t work. I need new ones. I need to see my therapist like now. This mental state is intolerable.

So fucked up

I can’t think straight. I am panicky and confused. I hate this state of mind. My anxiety meds stopped working over the past couple of months and now I have nothing. My appointment with my psychiatrist isn’t for another two weeks or so. It feels like forever. What am I supposed to do? There’s too much going on. Life has been so hectic and busy over the past couple of months I can’t stand it. It’s fucking me all up. I want to hide in my house. School starts back up for the kids soon. I’m not ready. I hate when routine changes. I don’t tolerate it well. I hate all of these changes and transitions. I feel overwhelmed. I need something I just don’t know what. I trust no one. 

I don’t even know

No idea what to name this post. I just lost what I considered to be a really good friend. I don’t even know what really happened. He thinks he is borderline and maybe he is. I don’t understand. Apparently I triggered him and reminded him of his ex but I still don’t know what I did. He ended our friendship last night. Apologized this morning. Then ended our friendship again this afternoon and sent me some not so nice messages.

If you’re reading this, I still don’t understand but I’m sorry for whatever I did.

I can’t win. People are not safe. Not even me. This whole thing has me so paranoid about life right now. I need to see my therapist.

Down low

I woke up super early again today. This time I decided to use my time wisely and did all of my laundry and put everything away. I read up on this gym I’m thinking about joining. I’ve been working on saving up a few hundred dollars to get the equipment and at home program that I want, but the only reason is because I am too afraid to go to a gym. I’d literally save hundreds! I think I need to give it a shot. At least go and maybe ask for a tour and feel out the staff and the environment. My goal would be to go real early in the morning when I’m hoping not as many people will be there. I’m really considering it.

So why down low? I’m depressed today. Completely and utterly depressed. In some ways it’s better than the intense high anxiety I felt yesterday but this is just depressed and sad and totally down. I can’t seem to get this right. I’m sure lack of sleep isn’t helping.

Here we go again

I’m having a bad episode. I woke up super early this morning, like way before my alarm and my mind was racing and I couldnt get back to sleep. As the day went on, my anxiety kept escalating. My anxiety meds haven’t been working anymore but they’re all I have so I kept taking them hoping for relief. NOTHING.

It kept getting worse and worse and worse! I couldn’t function and my brain was racing and my body felt like it was going to explode and mentally I started to quickly go down hill. I can’t focus. I’m losing it. I don’t know what I want or need and I’m just going crazy. I cried the whole way home and sat in my car crying for a little. I want to self harm but I keep telling myself I can’t. The garage is a suicide trigger because that was a previous plan. I didn’t want to be inside though. I want to be in the dark. Somewhere small. I want to hide. Nothing is safe. No one is safe. Not even me and where does that leave me?!?!? I need help and idk where to go.