Agony

I’m dying. I literally feel like I am about to die. I can’t finish this whole week out at training. I can’t do it. It’s too much. I just want to quit my job and never leave my house again. Idk what to do. I need help. 

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Lost

I feel so lost in my life. I’ve been up for the past couple of hours. Can’t sleep. Running through my life and all the things I regret. I wish I had a second chance.

Idk what to do about my job. It’s been causing me a lot of stress lately. I feel like I can’t do my job. I’m so terrified of messing up. I thought I loved my job. I worked hard to get where I am and now I just want to escape it. I don’t want the responsibility of being a supervisor. It’s too much pressure. I feel stuck. Why do they think I’m doing a good job? I don’t see it. If they only knew how a mess I am inside they wouldn’t have so much faith.

I want to start over. I’m tired of everything. 

Ugh I wish I was asleep.

Depressed

Ugh. I’m getting depressed. I have no motivation to do anything. Nothing. I attempted to fold towels and I just started crying. I don’t want to do a single thing and now I not only have to go to work tomorrow but it’s not just work. I have to drive an hour and a half to this training all week. Every day. Maybe it will help break up my time. Idk. Idk what has been going on. I don’t think it has to do with the fact that I am missing this stupid medicine. There are no words for how I’m feeling. And to top it all off, I physically am not feeling well. I’m achy and hot and cold. 

I just want to lay in bed with my stuffed animal and never do a single thing ever again. I hate life. I hate MY life. Nothing I’ve tried to do for my life has ever been successful. Why me? Whynot? I don’t want ridiculous things. I’m so hurt and sad. 

The latest

Well I’m missing a medication. Something went wrong with something and my pharmacist said it’s too early to get my mood stabilizer refilled. It’s been like 3 weeks. Idk what happened but this is just great.

My anxiety is still shit. I have an appointment with my dr tomorrow to see about testing my hormone levels. My body and mind are going crazy. Next week my work is sending me out of town for training. I was supposed to see my dr and therapist next week but had to reschedule. 

Thai is exhausting. I just want to feel normal. I can’t function. It’s ruining my life.

No title

It’s evening. I’m so sick to my stomach from this anxiety. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I had therapy the other day and my therapist mentioned hormones and it hit me. Since I had my surgery, things changed. That’s when this awful anxiety started. My skin also changed. I need to carve out a few minutes but I need to call my doctor and see if they’ll test my hormone levels. Maybe that’s what’s going on? 

All I know is this is affecting my whole life. I feel like I can’t even do my job anymore. I can’t focus and I’m overthinking everything. I’m afraid to make decisions. This whole evening all I’ve been doing is thinking about work and things I need to figure out. How do they have faith in me? I wish I could see what they see. 

Why am I such a scared child? I was thinking this today. That’s me, to my core. On the outside I seem composed and confident, but on the inside I’m just this scared child. I have zero confidence. All of my regrets have been weighing heavily on my lately. I have so many.

Thank god I have medicine for sleeping or I’d probably be up for days at a time with worry. I am carrying so much weight. I wish I could be in someone else’s head just once. I want to know what it’s like for other people. Maybe if I could get a taste of normalcy, I could maybe just mimic it and learn it. That’s impossible though.

I wish I could find something I could make my own business from and work for myself. Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid. 

Ugh I don’t even know what I need right now. I just don’t want to leave my house. I want to stay in and just be a homemaker. It’s safe. I need to feel safe. 😦

Fuck my goals

I’m ready to give up on my goals. Every time I think maybe I have a chance to get ahead, something happens and it pushes me three more steps back. I got a raise at work and at the same time was told I no longer qualify for reduced priced lunches for my kids at school and no more insurance assistance. Lunch, ok. Insurance?! Insurance is super expensive. Then there’s therapy and medication that’s always an expense. And who knows what my insurance will be this upcoming year. I really wanted to save for a new house. I hate where I live. I want out. I don’t know why I try so hard. I get nowhere. I’m tired of struggling all of the fucking time. And to hear people talking about getting new cars for birthdays and all kinds of things, makes me feel worse. Why does my life have to be such a struggle? It’s not right. This world is such a fucked up place. I’m starting to feel depressed. Suffocated. I am tired of fighting for everything. It shouldn’t be so hard. I’m convinced life will never be easy for me. I’m not meant to make it.

Have you ever…

…been so angry that you’re super calm? That’s how I feel about my anxiety and state of mind right now. Last night was awful with my anxiety and this morning it made me sick. I felt like I was losing my mind and now I’m just oddly calm. Like I’ve just given up for the day. I can’t work. I’ve gotten like 2 things done today. I have therapy which maybe is good. I’m just waiting for 2pm because then I have meetings until I leave at 3pm. 

I give up right now. Tired of fighting my way through life.