Day 2

So far so good. My anxiety got high this morning. My daughter missed the bus and couldn’t find her uniform shirt for school. Usually I would have lost my shit but I handled it ok. The world wasn’t going to end if she was late for school and my job is flexible so that would have been ok too. I just paced the living room trying to stay calm.

Once I got to work I was better. Got a cup of coffee. Got some things done. Still playing a bit of catch up but it’s not near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I have to get my cat to the vet today so I took a half day at work. This was stressing me out for a while because I didn’t know how I’d get one of my cats in the crate but it will be ok. I’ve been keeping their food in there so they’re familiar.

So, here’s to another decent day. It’s very weird being calm. Like I’m even afraid to let myself get happy or excited about anything for fear that I’ll start swinging my emotions again. I think I just need to work on staying calm for a little while and learn what it feels like, and then gradually let some more positive emotions and expressions come out. My coping skills from partial have definitely helped me. So thankful for that program.

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First day back

So today was my first day back to work after partial. I was anxious at first but then it went away. I tried to stay real calm and keep my thoughts and emotions in check. I think I did well.

I saw my review today and it was really good. So that’s another positive for my day.

I’m actually doing well without my sleeping meds. It’s one less thing to stress me out. I used to get so upset when they wouldn’t work. Now I just go to bed when I’m tired. My dinner med helps me sleep too but I am weaning myself off of them. It wasn’t my plan but they’re a little pricey and I can’t afford them right now. Worst case I find I can’t do without and I figure something out.

Last day

Today was my last day of partial. I started off the day ok but as it neared the end of therapy I started to get real anxious. I’m feeling ok right now. I learned a few coping skills that I’m going to put to use as needed this weekend. I’m sure anxiety will be high with going back to work Monday.

I need to call my insurance and see what my coverage would be for the DBT program. I really really want to do it and need it. Once a month therapy sessions just aren’t cutting it. If I have to stay with that then I need to ask my therapist if we can get on a stricter regimen with DBT which is what we are supposed to be doing.

I’m also thinking a lot about my meds. I stopped sleeping meds and my emergency anxiety meds because I seem to have built up a resistance to sedatives. It really sucks but so far my sleep hasn’t been awful. It’s actually kind of nice not having to be so strict about my eating schedule and stuff for bedtime. The only thing I need to watch now is eating dinner with my dinner meds. I can’t take them before 6:30 or I may get tired too soon. On the plus side they do help me sleep. The dr at partial started me on lexapro for anxiety. It’s an antidepressant that also treats anxiety. Not sure how I feel about it but is worth a shot. So the dr also was telling me about long term side effects of my one medication and said I should come up with a plan for eventually coming off meds.

SO, my thought is to hopefully get into this DBT program which is 18 months and toward the end, wean myself off of my meds. I’m a little nervous but it sounds like a good plan to me. I’d just have to work really hard.

Update

Two things.

Tomorrow is my last day in partial and Monday I go back to work. They wanted to give me more time off but I just can’t afford it. I’m already anxious and feeling unstable. I’m just not ready.

Second, my daughter’s dad just upset me. He just started parenting about 6 months ago after being locked up my daughter’s whole life. So he wants to make all of these decisions while also telling me he can’t help financially because he has other things that need his money right now. Ok. So when did paying for kids’ needs be at my convenience? I’m so pissed. I literally have $97 to my name for gas and groceries for the next week. So it’s ok for me to struggle but not for him? My son’s dad is the same way. I’m done with it. I’ve handled parenting on my own my kids’ whole lives. I’m dumb for being hopeful that they will ever grow up and decide to be full time dads.

PHP

I don’t even remember what I last wrote. I sent an impulsive email to my therapist the other night because my doctor hadn’t called me. He called me the next morning while I was at work. I started crying. He suggested the partial hospitalization program for some intensive therapy and to get my meds figured out. He did call in a prescription for a new sleeping medicine. I tried it last night and wasn’t impressed but I am going to give it a couple more nights. I took it with food because that’s how my other medicine would work but I just read not to take it with a meal. So we will see. Worst case I just have to get through the next couple of days. I start the program on Wednesday and today I took some steps to get work stuff taken care of for the leave. I feel really stressed about leaving my job for two weeks. Especially now because we are really busy. I just hope this is worth it.

Dr called

So last night I wrote an impulsive email to my therapist. Probably the first time she’s seen me like this.

Long story short, my dr called me this morning. Both of them are suggesting that I go to the partial program. Idk how I will do it with work but I think it needs done. I think he said it’s like 2 weeks. He said I’d get daily therapy and time with a psychiatrist and get my meds figured out rather than having these long gaps of time between my appointments with him.

I just hope I can make it work.

Nowhere To go

I have no where to go. No one who can help my doctor still hasn’t called me. I’m freaking out inside. I hurt. I’m in so much mental and emotional pain. I am afraid of everything right now. I slept another 2-3 hours last night. I was up crying because I couldn’t sleep. I need so much help and have nowhere to go to get it. I feel so hopeless helpless and lost. Confused. Fearful of life and even of myself. I told my therapist how badly I need help. Why is my doctor taking so long to call me back? Doesn’t he care? Do they not understand? She really wants to be to go to the partial hospitalization program. I’d have to miss some work but maybe that’s the least of my worries right now. I’m sitting here, at home, alone, and my stomach is in knots. My heart is racing my body is tense and fidgety and I feel like my mind is racing and I’m going to lose it. Panic attack or straight bawling. It’s agony that I feel. I can’t keep living like this. How much louder do I need to ask for help!!!!!!? If I die, no one should say they’re surprised.

Snow day

So we have bad weather today so no one really went to work. Including me. I wanted to but it’s just not safe.

My anxiety has been up and down. I emailed my therapist Monday night and she emailed me back yesterday. She said she talked to my doctor and he said he would call me. He hasn’t called yet 😩

I hope he calls me and helps me before my appointment. At least for my sleep. I can’t keep not sleeping. Last night was 2.5 hours.

Burning anxiety

My anxiety is so bad today. Is it because I barely got any sleep?? I feel like my insides are burning. Like adrenaline won’t stop pumping through my veins. Is it even adrenaline?? It’s pure energy of worry.

I have nowhere to go with this. I just want to go home and feel safe. I dread this feeling and these thoughts. It’s so tiring but yet I still won’t sleep. It’s such a vicious cycle!!