Family feud 

So my mom and my daughter are at odds right now. Given the scenario and the way that day has gone, I had assumed that the night was going to end up just as it did: with my mom bringing my daughter home or my daughter wanting to come home.

Here’s the thing. They BOTH need to apologize. My mom is set that my daughter isn’t allowed back until she apologizes and means it. 

I am well aware of how my daughter is. She is my daughter and she is a lot like me in many ways. Unfortunately that also means that my mom is triggering for her; as she is for me. I was hearing about it all day from my daughter and could relate to how she was feeling because I remember how my mom was with me and I see this happening in real time with my daughter too.

What I think? They both need to sit down, emotions aside, and talk this through. They each need to be open to the other persons way of thinking and feeling and stop pointing fingers and be more self aware of themselves. Unfortunately, I say that more for my mom. By no means do I think this is all her fault. I just know the things she did that led up to this; just as I am aware of what set my mom off.

It’s a sticky situation and one that is causing me a lot of stress to be caught in the middle of.

So anxious and alone

I’ve lost too many people this year. My one friend that I lost a few months ago emailed me as if everything was fine. Wtf?! Yea, totally cool to fuck with my emotions. Much appreciated. I pretty much said that in my response. I don’t expect to hear back.

So now it’s just me. Feeling sad? Angry? Suicidal? Anxious? I’ve got no one to tell. Just me and my blog. Should be just fine.

I think I’m pulling back on the gym. It’s making me sick thinking about doing. I may suck it up financially and go with my initial at home plan. I just can’t go to a gym with all those people. Maybe one day but not today and I want to start this program ASAP.

Ugh. I wish I was someone else.

What is wrong with me

I fuck up each and every one of my relationships. I can’t keep a friend. I guess I don’t know how to be friends with someone. This is why I keep to myself. I don’t know why I even try.

My paranoia is so bad I just don’t know what to do. I feel so completely fucking unsafe. It’s unbearable. I need help and I don’t know what to do.

My anxiety meds don’t work. I need new ones. I need to see my therapist like now. This mental state is intolerable.

So fucked up

I can’t think straight. I am panicky and confused. I hate this state of mind. My anxiety meds stopped working over the past couple of months and now I have nothing. My appointment with my psychiatrist isn’t for another two weeks or so. It feels like forever. What am I supposed to do? There’s too much going on. Life has been so hectic and busy over the past couple of months I can’t stand it. It’s fucking me all up. I want to hide in my house. School starts back up for the kids soon. I’m not ready. I hate when routine changes. I don’t tolerate it well. I hate all of these changes and transitions. I feel overwhelmed. I need something I just don’t know what. I trust no one. 

I don’t even know

No idea what to name this post. I just lost what I considered to be a really good friend. I don’t even know what really happened. He thinks he is borderline and maybe he is. I don’t understand. Apparently I triggered him and reminded him of his ex but I still don’t know what I did. He ended our friendship last night. Apologized this morning. Then ended our friendship again this afternoon and sent me some not so nice messages.

If you’re reading this, I still don’t understand but I’m sorry for whatever I did.

I can’t win. People are not safe. Not even me. This whole thing has me so paranoid about life right now. I need to see my therapist.

Down low

I woke up super early again today. This time I decided to use my time wisely and did all of my laundry and put everything away. I read up on this gym I’m thinking about joining. I’ve been working on saving up a few hundred dollars to get the equipment and at home program that I want, but the only reason is because I am too afraid to go to a gym. I’d literally save hundreds! I think I need to give it a shot. At least go and maybe ask for a tour and feel out the staff and the environment. My goal would be to go real early in the morning when I’m hoping not as many people will be there. I’m really considering it.

So why down low? I’m depressed today. Completely and utterly depressed. In some ways it’s better than the intense high anxiety I felt yesterday but this is just depressed and sad and totally down. I can’t seem to get this right. I’m sure lack of sleep isn’t helping.

Here we go again

I’m having a bad episode. I woke up super early this morning, like way before my alarm and my mind was racing and I couldnt get back to sleep. As the day went on, my anxiety kept escalating. My anxiety meds haven’t been working anymore but they’re all I have so I kept taking them hoping for relief. NOTHING.

It kept getting worse and worse and worse! I couldn’t function and my brain was racing and my body felt like it was going to explode and mentally I started to quickly go down hill. I can’t focus. I’m losing it. I don’t know what I want or need and I’m just going crazy. I cried the whole way home and sat in my car crying for a little. I want to self harm but I keep telling myself I can’t. The garage is a suicide trigger because that was a previous plan. I didn’t want to be inside though. I want to be in the dark. Somewhere small. I want to hide. Nothing is safe. No one is safe. Not even me and where does that leave me?!?!? I need help and idk where to go. 

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My life is a movie

The perfect ratio of love, passion, suspense, and yes, even death! Don’t be alarmed. No one actually died. Hence the reason for this post!

So remember the latest guy I was talking to? I tried to do things right. We just talked for a couple of months before moving forward with anything at all. I should have listened to my gut that he was bad news but that wouldn’t make for such great stories now would it?

A day or so after I finally said yes to being in a relationship with him, he suddenly isn’t so sure. Long story short, we got through it. Then one day he just stops talking to me. I finally reached my limit with the nonsense and texted him to forget this relationship bullshit because I wasn’t interested in his games.

About an hour later I get an email, from his email address, supposedly from his mom telling me that he died in a drinking and driving accident. I was floored. I was a wreck. Something wasn’t sitting well tho. The next day I told a couple of people about my skepticism and they all said they felt the same way. 

Now, I knew exactly how to find out. It was really all too easy. I caught him and he didn’t even know it. So a day or so later, “his mom” emails me again that she hopes I’m doing ok. I called him out by name and told him to cut the shit. He was caught. Immediately the I’m sorry came through to which I didn’t respond.

A couple of weeks later, which was about a week ago, he starts emailing and texting me how much he misses me and loves me and if we could talk. BLOCK.

During this time I met this guy just as friends and I made that clear from the beginning. We had a blast. We were chillin at my house like for the third time and I picked up my phone to check it and what does he do? Grabs my phone and whips it across the yard. Oh yes. And he did this twice. The second time tho he added a slap to my leg and when I asked if this is how it’s going to be, he said “every day”. Bye Felicia! Doesn’t he start texting me again too within this past week! He actually stopped talking to me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. BLOCK.

And then there’s my ex. And I know he is reading this because I feel like he follows me everywhere. I tried to be nice and civilly accepted his friend request on Facebook but kept him blocked on my phone. What does he do? Messages me on Facebook and starts commenting on my posts that I should respond to him. Embarrassing, but not for me! BLOCK.

I should have my own reality tv show. Fo realz.

Borderlines vs. Nons

You will never get us. No matter how hard you try, you just never will. Know how I know? Because even I don’t get me sometimes. Or even when I do, a part of  me knows that it’s so confusing that the average person just wouldn’t understand.

I wish you understood. All of the nons in my life. I wish you knew the real me. And when you knew, really knew the real me, I wish I’d make sense to you. I wish you’d be fearless against it. I wish you knew just what to say and when and how to say it, to help me beat it.

That will never happen. I know we need to save ourselves but that seems like an impossibility too. I feel so alone right now. I don’t even know how to have friends.

I wish I loved myself so when no one else would, at least I would. I’m not even my own friend. How can I expect anyone else to be?

Tomorrow is a new day.