Positivity surgeĀ 

I just got a wave of positivity over me. I read my horoscope for this month. I wish I would have read it sooner. It didn’t tell me that anything was going to work out but it did tell me that these things would be happening. It just makes me feel like my life is on track. It says it’s a great opportunity for growth even tho it’s awkward. Growth is good. I am hopeful right now. I am behind the scenes afraid because I don’t want to lose this feeling but I’m still ok. I don’t want to ruin this.

Who am I?

The big who am I question. Does anyone really know who they are? I’m looking for real feedback here. Any. Does anyone? I for sure don’t. I change all of the time. I have no clue who I am. 

All I know is this BPD makes me feel crazy and worthless and unlovable. I’m not sure how I have the very few people in my life that I have but I am always waiting for them to leave. Eventually, I say. Eventually.

Nightmare Week

The past week has been terrible. I don’t even remember what I wrote about the other day. Maybe that was last night. I was in the middle of an episode when I wrote I think. I’m drawing blanks.

There’s so much going on. So much triggering shit. I want to hide, cry, throw up, panic. Why do things have to be this way? I know I know. Mandi, they don’t HAVE to be that way. No, maybe not, but they are. For those reading this that have BPD, I’m sure you understand. It feels so out of my control. Maybe I’m just not far enough into therapy yet.

Speaking of therapy, I don’t even feel like going anymore. I don’t remember if I wrote about it or not yet, but I all but stormed out of my psychiatrist’s office. He responded to something I said that was upsetting me, and it was the wrong answer and it pissed me off. So I ended the session. I was there for like less than 5 minutes. What a waste. I don’t want to have to face him again.

I have therapy on the 8th. First time in a couple of months because of my surgery. I’m going to go, I just don’t want to. There are things I don’t even want to tell her because I know what she will be thinking. I’m sure if I just tell her I don’t want to hear it and just want support, she will do that. She’s good with that. I just still know what she will be thinking and that will upset me.

I’m just tired of living with this. I just want to be normal. Emotionally normal. Every time I have an episode I tell myself I won’t do it again. That simple. I just won’t allow it. Before I know it, something triggers me and I’m doing it all over again. So out of control. I try but it is so much stronger than me. It’s just not fair. I’m losing things. I will always lose things so long as I’m like this. The things I want to keep, it pushes away. It’s just wrong. It’s a vicious spiral. Once I start with someone, I can’t seem to come back from it.

Last night I wanted to SH. I didn’t because it’s Summer and I can’t hide it. That and I thought maybe he would be repulsed and he would surely leave then. The other day I was ready to commit suicide. I had my plan and was so close until I read about it and realized it isn’t actually as easy as people think. There goes that idea. Probably better that way anyway. I’m still alive. Going through hell.

Fear of abandonment- raw

Talk about fear of abandonment. This is the ultimate. This past week of mine has been so hard. My newly boyfriend disappeared via text for over 24 hours. I was a wreck. I thought he was done with me. It turns out he just broke his phone. I was overwhelmed with emotions and couldn’t stop crying.

Now he just found out that this job he applied for months ago, just offered him the job. This is his dream job. The problem? It’s in Virginia. I’m in Pennsylvania. He says he wants to stay together. Again, I am a wreck. I feel like my life is ending. My whole world is crashing down on me.

Earlier today my good friend didn’t respond to my text quickly and I was for sure he was leaving me too. This all has me so afraid. My inner child is desperately in need of help.

I am in so much pain. 

All I Have

I just posted a mini of this on my FB page. It’s really sad that when it comes down to it, the only ‘thing’ I have to talk to, is my blog and my FB page.

I drive people away with my intensity or pure insanity and I am left with nothing and no one. I don’t try to drive them away. I’m really trying to get them to stay but it pushes them away anyway. No one wants to deal with me, or can handle me. I have to be my own best listener and that is very hard.

I don’t want to deal with me either but I’m not going anywhere. I mean, it helps to write and get things out, but I just wish that the people I want to be there, would be there and not leave me. I get difficult, sure, but I’d like to hope that I deserve for them to be there. Try. Maybe I am just too much. I guess I know I am.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stop myself. Something will trigger me and I lose all control of my emotions and my actions. Things move so fast in my mind that I don’t even have the opportunity to think things through before I act out. Full reaction mode, and I realize it is all fear based. Fear of being left. I fear people leaving that I become so intense that it pushes them away. How ironic, huh.

I am alone right now. Trying to be ok. Those I was trying to reach out to have gone silent. I wish they knew how badly I hurt and why I do what I do. I always have good intentions, I just haven’t mastered the skills yet that most adults seem to have.

I’m feeling very hopeless. I don’t even want to go to therapy anymore. I’m not sure what I will do about it. I’m trying not to make anymore decisions until I am thinking more clearly. My anxiety is high, I am depressed at my recent destruction and I’m trying to really hard to keep myself calm.

I’m lonely right now. This is all I’ve got. This blog.

No where to turn

It really sucks when I have to rely solely on myself to get through these times. I mean, sure, I could blow up people’s phones but I’m trying to be mindful. People are working and I don’t need to cause them stress or worry just because I am stressed or worried. So plus for me I guess for recognizing that. I guess I have to find places to give myself some credit even if it’s small.

I haven’t been to therapy in like 2 months and I don’t go back until the 8th. I need therapy so bad. I don’t even know where to start. My sleeping medicine hasn’t been working again. I see my psychiatrist on the 23rd. I still have some trazedone leftover from when I used to take it and I may hate myself for it but I’m going to try to take that tonight just for some sleep relief. It makes me sick the next day but I’m going to try again. I’m being an idiot I’m sure but lack of sleep makes me doing dumb things.

Work is still stressing me out. It will be another dull day today and with everything that keeps happening I really don’t see us being around for even another year. I’m trying to stay positive but it’s hard.

On the surgery front, this is my last week that I’m not allowed to do anything strenuous so starting Monday I am going to start working out again. Im excited for that other than the fact that I will need to wake up super early and rearrange my schedule and that takes some trial and error. It’s worth it though.

Here’s to another shit day.

I’m a fool

Why do I ever think maybe, just maybe I’m getting better. My brain fails me time and time again. I just want to break down right now. I am so broken. SO broken. I just don’t even know. I don’t know what to say, what to do. My thoughts are racing and it’s all so intense I feel like I could throw up. I really could. Just hug the toilet and let it out until there is nothing left. This BPD poison is once again infecting my body and I can’t do a thing about it. Right now I am done trying. I have no energy for this. I am defeated. And what do I have to look forward to? Another uneventful day at the office tomorrow. Defeated.

Please Repost

California State University San Marcos
Scale Validation Survey II (IRB Code Number: 893513-1)

A self-report questionnaire is being developed for people with various psychiatric diagnoses. This study aims to examine if this questionnaire is measuring the phenomenon of interest. We hope that our research will lead to further research and potential clinical applications. You must have a formal psychiatric diagnosis, be fluent in English, and be at least 18 years of age to participate. This study is open to US and non-US residents. You are not eligible to participate if you participated in our recent interview and survey studies. This survey takes approximately 15 to 25 minutes to complete.

To participate in this online research study, please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/PYFK69R

To learn more about this research study, please contact the researcher, Stephanie Price (price049@cougars.csusm.edu), or the advisor, Dr. Heike Mahler (hmahler@csusm.edu).