Well I’m over that friendship. I don’t need friends like that. “Friends” that don’t seem to care when you aren’t feeling well and bail out on you in your time of need. NOT a friend. Deleted his number and blocked him on FB and that felt pretty good.
OVER IT thanks to my real friend.
I’m freaking out!!!! My anxiety is through the roof. My thoughts are racing. I can’t stop feeling like people are going to ditch me and I can’t let them in because they will hurt me or get sick of my intensity and of hearing about my emotions. But where am I supposed to go with all of this? I am so needy right now but nothing could cure this. I’m already aware that I will read into and analyze absolutely fucking everything that anyone could possibly say or do right now. I texted my friend that I am pretty sure I’m not ok. Then I regretted being vulnerable and was sure he would get sick of me so I texted him back and told him to disregard my text. Well he fucking did!! Who disregards a text like that!! Why is it so unrealistic to expect another human being on this planet to do for me what I would do for someone else? Am I that fucking great or do people just fucking suck!!!!?? I just want to fucking flip on him. Doesn’t he care? Have I already blown it? Is he done with me? Did I lose him? Have I already proven to be too much to handle? Why do I do this? Why do I express my emotions? I already know people can’t handle them. I’m overwhelming. Why do I even attempt to let people in when I know I and they can’t handle it anyway? Why hasn’t he texted me back? I’m obsessing and I can’t stop. I won’t text him or anyone anymore. If he wants to talk to me, he can text me. And I’m not letting him back in that easy. I can’t let him know that I’m unstable and am freaking out. But what if he doesn’t text me back? Like ever? That will hurt!! Then I for sure will be done with people and friends. What are even friends? What does that even mean to people? Apparently I and others have a very different idea of what being a friend is. Yesterday he told me I could call him anytime my anxiety gets bad or whatever. Why would I even do that?! So I can bother him? Risk he doesn’t answer the phone? Then what would I do?! WHY DO I DO THIS. My phone is dying and while I could easily plug it in, I just want it to die so if he DOES text me, I won’t be tempted to text back quickly. He can’t know I am obsessing. I can’t have him believe that I am so easily accessible all of the time. But what if I plug it back in at bedtime and he STILL hasn’t texted me?!?! I will be suicidal for sure. This is going nowhere good. This is making me absolutely fucking ill and mental. Maybe I should just play it cool and text him something normal like “what are you up to?” But for what?! HE HASN’T TEXTED ME BACK after I told him to disregard my text. Who fucking does that!? I have nowhere to go with this. I took extra medicine tonight in hopes that it will just knock me out but this is so intense. I fear nothing can calm me down right now. I feel very strong about all of this. I’m going to plug my phone in. I’m not texting him again. If he doesn’t text me the rest of the night, so be it. MY LIFE WILL ONLY BE OVER, that’s all. How will I function tomorrow? I will be a wreck. Or maybe he is afraid to reply and risk rocking the boat? He is nice. I can’t imagine he is intentionally trying to upset me. Why are people so INSENSITIVE?!? Don’t I matter? Omg what do I do? I’m tired of life. I’m tired of hurting. I’m not ok. This is bad. Very very very bad. I can’t eat. I don’t want to eat tomorrow. Or ever again. What is the point. Eating is to live and I don’t really want to do that. I’m tired. This is exhausting me but I don’t even see the end in sight yet. It’s still so intense. Heavy. I feel like I was flying all day and now I’m nose diving into a forest and cannot be saved. I can’t keep going like this. I just CAN’T. Maybe I will text my other friend. He always is there for me. I think that’s what I will do. I want to die. Right now. End this suffering.
I’m totally hyped up today. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because work was so busy today. I don’t know though because I was already a bit hyped in the morning. It just kept getting worse as the day went on and for a while I felt like I just had way too much energy. I know how this goes though. I can feel it. I will crash and it will be awful. I’ve actually had to try and not freak out today and be impulsive with my emotions and lose control. I will spiral down so fast. I don’t know why this happens but I hate it. I felt so good for a couple of weeks. I just want to be in that place again.
Ugh. I’ve been up since 2am. Had some drama with my daughter and couldn’t get back to sleep. My anxiety has been so bad today. I couldn’t eat. My stomach was in knots and my legs were so shaky. I’m actually looking forward to going to work just to get my mind off of everything.
So I posted earlier this week about feeling so worthless. Let’s just say it was a big misunderstanding and everything is fine now. I don’t even know why if affected me like it did. Glad it’s over though. I was a wreck.
I hope I get a full night’s sleep tonight.
This is how I am feeling right now. Why do I even try? Why do I ever let myself open up? Every time I let someone in even just a little bit, something happens. I am so broken. I feel so worthless. I should know better by now. I do feel like such a waste. What is wrong with me? Really, what is it about me that shitty people are drawn to? Why do I attempt anything in life? I am a lost cause. There is no hope for me in this life. I’m not lovable. I am used. I give too much and no one is proving to be worth it. I should stop. Just stop. I give up.
Work was crazy again today but I wasn’t as stressed about it as I was yesterday. I do find that with the management stuff I’ve been doing, I’ve hardly had any time for my own accounts. Tomorrow I need to get caught up after I finish this project for my boss. People weren’t emailing me like they were yesterday either which was a good break. I’m not giving myself any new accounts though so eventually my time will free up a little.
One friend of mine at work knows about my anxiety and takes the same medicine as me. She told me today that I’m like a different person lately and I even look better like the color of my face. She said I was pale and looked tense and now I have color and look relaxed. Good to know!!
Tonight I do feel a little stressed about tomorrow but I’m trying to stay positive. I wrote myself a note of what I need to get done tomorrow so I shouldn’t be worrying about it all night. “Shouldn’t.”
I guess I can’t expect to never have anxiety. There’s no cure, only stuff that can take the edge off. Right? Work was stressful yesterday and I find myself anxious to go back this morning. My employees kept emailing me asking questions and not accepting my answers which led to more of the same questions. Talk about annoying. They sounded like my kids whining.
I keep thinking about all I have to do, this one project specifically. It’s not hard and won’t take me long but for some reason I am obsessing over it. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll forget? I have it written down at work though so I really don’t have reason to think or feel this way.
On a positive note I am not shaking. My stomach keeps knotting up a little and I’m thinking a lot but it’s not as bad as it usually is. There’s just nothing worse than worrying about the place you have to go to every day.
I’m still feeling good. This is the second weekend now that I didn’t spend stressing and obsessing over going back to work. My hot water heater and heater stopped working on Tuesday. The first and second day I just sucked it up and took a cold bath. I can’t not be clean. Then it started getting real cold in here and I couldn’t stand it anymore so I stayed at my mom’s Thursday night. Took a hot shower. So the plumber comes yesterday and it turns out it wasn’t my hot water heater or heater at all that were broken, it was the outlet they were plugged into! Lucky for me the electrician came right away and fixed it. Super easy he said. Then I had a carpet guy come to measure my house for new carpet. I can’t wait!! They’re having a huge sale right now too.
I think I’m going to let go of my website. It gets decent traffic but my blog gets more. My biggest source of traffic is my post about BPD and pushing loved ones away. It comes up in google searches pretty well. I guess it’s a hot topic. Maybe if I just title more posts about specific educational topics I will get even more traffic and won’t need the site. I’m just getting tired of paying for it.
It’s not a lot in terms of quantity but I got my kids their gifts for Christmas. They were expensive. I got my daughter a laptop. She’s been asking for one for a while, and I got my son a tv for his room. I had my sister get each of them a playstation4 as they both asked for one. This way they can play whenever they want or with friends so we aren’t all sharing the tv. For a while I was so upset because I didn’t think I would have any money to get them anything at all but it’s working out. Idk why I stress because every year I figure it out.
Why do I even try tagging people when they never reply? It literally takes less than a second to at least hit the like button. Makes me feel like shit. I’m trying to be chill because my tagging sometimes doesn’t work. Idk though. Fuck people.
On a more positive note, it’s Thanksgiving. I am actually thankful for a lot of things (except for the fact that my water heater and heat just broke and it’s freezing in here). Very thankful for my mom and Sister. They stick by me. Thankful that I have a good job. Even though I struggle financially, we have all we need. House, clothes, food. The fact that I don’t have to cook today. Lol kidding. I love cooking but we are going to my mom’s and she likes to do it all. My sister and her husband originally weren’t coming but now they are! So happy.
Thankful that my new meds are AMAZING!! I feel like a new person. It’s great.