Fuck my goals

I’m ready to give up on my goals. Every time I think maybe I have a chance to get ahead, something happens and it pushes me three more steps back. I got a raise at work and at the same time was told I no longer qualify for reduced priced lunches for my kids at school and no more insurance assistance. Lunch, ok. Insurance?! Insurance is super expensive. Then there’s therapy and medication that’s always an expense. And who knows what my insurance will be this upcoming year. I really wanted to save for a new house. I hate where I live. I want out. I don’t know why I try so hard. I get nowhere. I’m tired of struggling all of the fucking time. And to hear people talking about getting new cars for birthdays and all kinds of things, makes me feel worse. Why does my life have to be such a struggle? It’s not right. This world is such a fucked up place. I’m starting to feel depressed. Suffocated. I am tired of fighting for everything. It shouldn’t be so hard. I’m convinced life will never be easy for me. I’m not meant to make it.

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Have you ever…

…been so angry that you’re super calm? That’s how I feel about my anxiety and state of mind right now. Last night was awful with my anxiety and this morning it made me sick. I felt like I was losing my mind and now I’m just oddly calm. Like I’ve just given up for the day. I can’t work. I’ve gotten like 2 things done today. I have therapy which maybe is good. I’m just waiting for 2pm because then I have meetings until I leave at 3pm. 

I give up right now. Tired of fighting my way through life.

No title

I can’t keep on like this. Everything is pissing me off. My two friends and I have this Facebook group message and my one friend posts a funny meme almost every morning. The other girl always insists on never laughing or joining in on the humor of it and always has to get philosophical. It’s so fucking annoying. She kills it for me.

I’m tired of holding shit in. It’s killing me. I really don’t want to go to therapy anymore or see my psychiatrist. What the fuck am I paying for? I am trying yet another anxiety medicine and am pretty sure I am completely immune to anti anxiety meds. NOTHING is working. I will try one more, if one more even exists, and then I’m fucking done. I’m so tired of this. I’m DONE.

Fuck everything. I don’t even want this fucking blog or website or Facebook page. It’s all absolutely fucking worthless. I can’t tolerate myself anymore. I hate myself with the greatest passion right now!!!!!! I can’t even express my anger!  No words will do it justice. I am completely out of fucking control!!!!

For real!?

She said she is getting evicted and can’t keep them. I would have to feed them formula with bottles. They’re not litter trained. I’m all about animals but I won’t do it and I can’t. I have a full time job and can’t be home feeding them with bottles and trying to not have them pee on the floor. I’m glad I went with my gut and didn’t pay her for them yet. Unbelievable.

No patience

I lack patience. A lot. Like I’m not sure if I have any at all sometimes.

The one department I work with always messes up. We should be able to rely on them, but sadly, we can’t. I try to give them opportunities, against my better judgment, and they always fail. SO frustrating!!!

On a whole other topic, I’m getting kittens. They’re supposed to stay with the mom for at least 8 weeks and the lady just asked me to take them now! They’re only like 2-3 weeks old!!  Wtf!! 

What is wrong with people!? If she won’t keep them and tries to sell them to someone else I will be so pissed. I don’t want to take them that early!  They will probably have poor health! What in the fucking hell!?

Lunch lady!!

I am so irritated. I gave my son $20 to put on his lunch account and the fucking lunch lady put it as a $10 bill. Why does this shit happen to me?! I’m hurting for money and $10 is a lot for me right now to just throw away. Why are people so incompetent on getting things accurate? I can’t even say anything because I can’t prove I gave her a fucking $20 bill. I can’t afford these fucking lunches. I have about $50 to my name to live off of for the next week. Fucking kill me.

Deadlines

Work was insane this week. I had a meeting  yesterday late afternoon and my boss imposed some very tight deadlines on this big project for the president of the company. I spent my whole day on part A of this project. Correcting work. Delegating work. Doing my own work. I worked almost 12 hours today and still didn’t get done. We are wrapping up tomorrow morning and are starting part B. I’m so anxious over it. I can’t stop thinking about it and wishing I had gotten a better head start on tomorrow’s part. I hope I sleep tonight. I’m ready for the weekend.

Silent sufferer

I feel like I suffer in silence. No one understands my emotions. If I try to express them to people I feel like I get rejected. 

Tired of doing this alone. And yet I’m the first one people come to when they have their own emotions and need help. Because they know I will understand and will be there for them.

It hurts.