Positivity surgeĀ 

I just got a wave of positivity over me. I read my horoscope for this month. I wish I would have read it sooner. It didn’t tell me that anything was going to work out but it did tell me that these things would be happening. It just makes me feel like my life is on track. It says it’s a great opportunity for growth even tho it’s awkward. Growth is good. I am hopeful right now. I am behind the scenes afraid because I don’t want to lose this feeling but I’m still ok. I don’t want to ruin this.

Who am I?

The big who am I question. Does anyone really know who they are? I’m looking for real feedback here. Any. Does anyone? I for sure don’t. I change all of the time. I have no clue who I am. 

All I know is this BPD makes me feel crazy and worthless and unlovable. I’m not sure how I have the very few people in my life that I have but I am always waiting for them to leave. Eventually, I say. Eventually.

Nightmare Week

The past week has been terrible. I don’t even remember what I wrote about the other day. Maybe that was last night. I was in the middle of an episode when I wrote I think. I’m drawing blanks.

There’s so much going on. So much triggering shit. I want to hide, cry, throw up, panic. Why do things have to be this way? I know I know. Mandi, they don’t HAVE to be that way. No, maybe not, but they are. For those reading this that have BPD, I’m sure you understand. It feels so out of my control. Maybe I’m just not far enough into therapy yet.

Speaking of therapy, I don’t even feel like going anymore. I don’t remember if I wrote about it or not yet, but I all but stormed out of my psychiatrist’s office. He responded to something I said that was upsetting me, and it was the wrong answer and it pissed me off. So I ended the session. I was there for like less than 5 minutes. What a waste. I don’t want to have to face him again.

I have therapy on the 8th. First time in a couple of months because of my surgery. I’m going to go, I just don’t want to. There are things I don’t even want to tell her because I know what she will be thinking. I’m sure if I just tell her I don’t want to hear it and just want support, she will do that. She’s good with that. I just still know what she will be thinking and that will upset me.

I’m just tired of living with this. I just want to be normal. Emotionally normal. Every time I have an episode I tell myself I won’t do it again. That simple. I just won’t allow it. Before I know it, something triggers me and I’m doing it all over again. So out of control. I try but it is so much stronger than me. It’s just not fair. I’m losing things. I will always lose things so long as I’m like this. The things I want to keep, it pushes away. It’s just wrong. It’s a vicious spiral. Once I start with someone, I can’t seem to come back from it.

Last night I wanted to SH. I didn’t because it’s Summer and I can’t hide it. That and I thought maybe he would be repulsed and he would surely leave then. The other day I was ready to commit suicide. I had my plan and was so close until I read about it and realized it isn’t actually as easy as people think. There goes that idea. Probably better that way anyway. I’m still alive. Going through hell.

All I Have

I just posted a mini of this on my FB page. It’s really sad that when it comes down to it, the only ‘thing’ I have to talk to, is my blog and my FB page.

I drive people away with my intensity or pure insanity and I am left with nothing and no one. I don’t try to drive them away. I’m really trying to get them to stay but it pushes them away anyway. No one wants to deal with me, or can handle me. I have to be my own best listener and that is very hard.

I don’t want to deal with me either but I’m not going anywhere. I mean, it helps to write and get things out, but I just wish that the people I want to be there, would be there and not leave me. I get difficult, sure, but I’d like to hope that I deserve for them to be there. Try. Maybe I am just too much. I guess I know I am.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stop myself. Something will trigger me and I lose all control of my emotions and my actions. Things move so fast in my mind that I don’t even have the opportunity to think things through before I act out. Full reaction mode, and I realize it is all fear based. Fear of being left. I fear people leaving that I become so intense that it pushes them away. How ironic, huh.

I am alone right now. Trying to be ok. Those I was trying to reach out to have gone silent. I wish they knew how badly I hurt and why I do what I do. I always have good intentions, I just haven’t mastered the skills yet that most adults seem to have.

I’m feeling very hopeless. I don’t even want to go to therapy anymore. I’m not sure what I will do about it. I’m trying not to make anymore decisions until I am thinking more clearly. My anxiety is high, I am depressed at my recent destruction and I’m trying to really hard to keep myself calm.

I’m lonely right now. This is all I’ve got. This blog.

No where to turn

It really sucks when I have to rely solely on myself to get through these times. I mean, sure, I could blow up people’s phones but I’m trying to be mindful. People are working and I don’t need to cause them stress or worry just because I am stressed or worried. So plus for me I guess for recognizing that. I guess I have to find places to give myself some credit even if it’s small.

I haven’t been to therapy in like 2 months and I don’t go back until the 8th. I need therapy so bad. I don’t even know where to start. My sleeping medicine hasn’t been working again. I see my psychiatrist on the 23rd. I still have some trazedone leftover from when I used to take it and I may hate myself for it but I’m going to try to take that tonight just for some sleep relief. It makes me sick the next day but I’m going to try again. I’m being an idiot I’m sure but lack of sleep makes me doing dumb things.

Work is still stressing me out. It will be another dull day today and with everything that keeps happening I really don’t see us being around for even another year. I’m trying to stay positive but it’s hard.

On the surgery front, this is my last week that I’m not allowed to do anything strenuous so starting Monday I am going to start working out again. Im excited for that other than the fact that I will need to wake up super early and rearrange my schedule and that takes some trial and error. It’s worth it though.

Here’s to another shit day.

I’m a fool

Why do I ever think maybe, just maybe I’m getting better. My brain fails me time and time again. I just want to break down right now. I am so broken. SO broken. I just don’t even know. I don’t know what to say, what to do. My thoughts are racing and it’s all so intense I feel like I could throw up. I really could. Just hug the toilet and let it out until there is nothing left. This BPD poison is once again infecting my body and I can’t do a thing about it. Right now I am done trying. I have no energy for this. I am defeated. And what do I have to look forward to? Another uneventful day at the office tomorrow. Defeated.

Please Repost

California State University San Marcos
Scale Validation Survey II (IRB Code Number: 893513-1)

A self-report questionnaire is being developed for people with various psychiatric diagnoses. This study aims to examine if this questionnaire is measuring the phenomenon of interest. We hope that our research will lead to further research and potential clinical applications. You must have a formal psychiatric diagnosis, be fluent in English, and be at least 18 years of age to participate. This study is open to US and non-US residents. You are not eligible to participate if you participated in our recent interview and survey studies. This survey takes approximately 15 to 25 minutes to complete.

To participate in this online research study, please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/PYFK69R

To learn more about this research study, please contact the researcher, Stephanie Price (price049@cougars.csusm.edu), or the advisor, Dr. Heike Mahler (hmahler@csusm.edu).

No Hope, New Job?

Well I’ve been back at work since Monday. I was excited to come back so I could not only get back into my daily routine but so I could start getting a full paycheck again. Since coming back, I don’t feel well again and I’ve come to see that my job is a huge source of stress for me and stress for me leads to my BPD symptoms coming out, sometimes very strong. What’s causing the stress? Boredom. Sales have been down for quite some time and that means my job has been very slow. I literally, almost every day, sit and stare at my screen, play on my phone, surf the internet and listen to music. While some would think, “That’s great! You get paid to do that!?”, it kills me. Boredom is a playground for my BPD. It leads nowhere good. When I was home from surgery, I at least had a tv to escape into. I also didn’t listen to the doctor and did more activities than what I was supposed to, but I wasn’t bored like I am here. There is no mental stimulation whatsoever. That and I am just sitting. All day. Nothing active. When I was home, I was watching my fair share of tv because I wasn’t supposed to be doing much else, but I started working out every day, pulled weeds, cleaned. I DID things. I can’t do things here. I feel like I am wasting my time and life away when I could be doing real things that benefit me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I’ve accomplished some things here that were goals of mine and I am very proud of myself. I’ve gotten promoted a few times and have made it to supervisor and that felt really good. Do I want to give that up? No, not really. Do I need to? Maybe? Possibly. For my sanity.

So now what? The things I want to do will be tough transitions, and transitions they will be. They won’t be as easy as just finding a job and switching over from this to that all while not skipping a paycheck. I don’t want another 8-5 job where I sit at a desk and talk on the phone. I used to love this but it’s just not my thing anymore. Plus my job has evolved to where the accomplishments are so mundane anymore. I don’t get to use my creativity the way I used to when they first created this position. Everything evolves but this isn’t fulfilling anymore.

I decided a few months back that I was going to get my real estate license and do that on the side. My sister is a realtor so she was going to help me. Now I’m thinking I need to dive into that harder and hope it takes off enough that I can leave my job here and not be in financial hardship. What then? There’s more! I’ve always been into fitness. I got out of it for a little while after I did a Tough Mudder, but have recently started back up and I love it. Being active is good for me, mentally and physically. I want to be a yoga instructor. SO…to start, I’m going to start regularly attending yoga classes. It’s going to cost some money but I can make it work because that’s what I do. When I want something, I make it happen. (Except getting rid of this BPD shit. Can’t seem to do that.) So, current job and real estate, then real estate and yoga. It’d be awesome if yoga really took off and eventually I could have my own studio. That’s not a necessity but it’d be cool. I am excited for this change and while I would like it all to happen overnight, I know it will be, like I said before, a tough and long transition. It will surely take time and I need to be patient. The fact that I will have things in place to work up to this along the way will help me get through this job every day.

Now, to the “No Hope” part of my post title. My symptoms were next to nothing while I was at home recovering. They’ve since come back now that I’m working again and have met someone that I heaven forbid have some sort of feelings for. I don’t know why or how this happens. I want to be alone because I feel it’s safer, and someone always comes along. Being alone may be safer, but it’s lonely. I am trying to do things differently this time though. I usually rush the whole process and before I know it I’m in a committed relationship and shit hits the fan and then before I know it, it’s all trashed. Not this time. I have no idea if anything will come of it but I’m focusing on being friends first. My symptoms are still there, which makes it still very hard, but it’s a reminder to me as to why I need to move very slowly and cautiously with this. No sense in throwing titles in there only for them to have to be taken away because I “can’t handle it”. I feel good about this new approach. It’s how it should be anyway but it’s new to me and it feels good and right to do things this way.

I know this post is forever long, and if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I write for me, to get things out, but it’s nice when I hear or see that people have read it. I appreciate it. I’ve been working really hard at staying positive and not letting myself escalate out of control. I’ve had a couple of moments here and there, but I do give myself credit because I have done very well actually. I just sometimes feel like this will never go away. That is very discouraging, especially to know that I might be right. Might also not be right, but might be right.

Figuring things out

Well I am 4 weeks post surgery and am feeling awesome. I am allowed to go back to work early, Monday, but was yelled at for working out so soon. Bummer because it was really making me feel good but I promised no more exercising for another two weeks. Only walking she said. Boo.

I’m really excited to get my routine back. I have noticed some really positive mood changes since surgery which may be some hormonal balance going on, but I’m curious to see if that remains after going back to work. I guess we will see.

I learned something about myself yesterday. In some ways it’s been right in front of me for years but I guess it was so normal to me because it’s how I grew up, that I never realized how much it added to my BPD symptoms. Long story short, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I need to do things that make me feel good, regardless of what others think, and I need to and deserve to refrain from things that don’t make me happy or feel good. And that needs to be respected or that person doesn’t deserve a place in my life. I am tired of people trying to change me. If I don’t want to go out because it affects my anxiety, then I don’t have to go. If I don’t feel comfortable doing something else, it’s final. I tend to go outside of my comfort zone too much for others and all it does is create a lot of internal conflict for me and a lot of resentment toward the other person until it turns into pure hatred and I explode. I’m so over that! And I feel great about this and great about myself.

This surgery has been somewhat life changing and although it had its own set of stressors, I’d do it all again.