I’m falling apart. I’ve been trying to write but every time I open this up, I get overwhelmed and close it.
I was doing so well. But therapy is so expensive and I couldn’t catch up on the balance I owed and now I can’t get my meds filled.
I’m hurting. I’m unstable. I can’t stop crying. Every day. I’m losing it. I’m really ready to give up.
I feel so misunderstood. No one understands what it’s like having BPD. And there are no words to give anyone a true sense of what it’s like. I don’t try to be this way. I in fact try really hard to not be this way.
I’m done. I’m done trying. I will stay alone. It’s safest for me and everyone else.
Everything hurts. People don’t understand. I am in constant pain. One seemingly small thing and I just want to end my life.
I have no more meds. I can’t afford it. So from here on out it’s just me.
I’m tired of being misunderstood.
I’m just tired. Done. I don’t care anymore. No more trying. It’s been too long. Too many years fighting. I can’t live like this.
I want it all to end.
I can’t get rid of this sadness, and my anxiety is starting to come back. And my meds are messed up again 😞 I can’t afford to see my dr.
So tired and sad and unhappy and dissatisfied with life. I feel empty and alone.
Just sort of want to fall asleep and not wake up.
I’ve been so emotional lately. I hate it. I’ve been crying a lot and feeling frantic for attention and feeling like everyone is leaving me or is sick of me. It’s so confusing because I want to suck people in and keep them close but I don’t want to overwhelm them so I also want to push them far and keep a distance. But then what if they think I’m sick of them and they go away because of that? Idk. My panda (stuffed animal) has been a close friend lately. He’s so comforting to me.
I’m sad again today. Not sure why. Just feel like crying. Needy like I need someone but also like fuck everyone, I need no one. Which is probably some sort of defense mechanism to avoid rejection. 😭 it hurts.
So I found this Mom group on FB and joined. I was partaking in conversation and everything was great. Very empowering. Someone told me to introduce myself, so I did, and apparently it was a “set up”? They all turned on me and got real nasty. Naturally I left the group. I shouldn’t care bc they’re all strangers but I can’t stop crying. I feel so hurt and worthless as a human being. I don’t even know what I did wrong. I just want to run away.
I’ve been really good lately. For a couple of weeks. It’s been good. Today, idk. Right now, not good. I feel so sad all of a sudden. It’s this heavy feeling and I just want to be alone and cry, yet I also don’t want to be alone.
I just want to be normal. Idk. 😦
It’s been a while since I’ve written. It’s not a bad thing! I’ve been doing really well. The new medicine I started in partial has definitely helped. My anxiety has really calmed down. I don’t feel like I even need an emergency med anymore. Which is good because I don’t have one lol
I haven’t been to therapy or to see my dr though. I got some medical bills in the mail and need to pay them off before I go racking up more debt for further appointments. Shouldn’t be this way but it is.
Work is going well. Two people that bring me down and test my patience are leaving! Sad to say but I’m excited. They’re negative and resistant and really being the team down.
I’m single still and the more time that goes by, the more and more I am loving being single! No drama. No one to please. Just me and my kids!!