Fuck my goals

I’m ready to give up on my goals. Every time I think maybe I have a chance to get ahead, something happens and it pushes me three more steps back. I got a raise at work and at the same time was told I no longer qualify for reduced priced lunches for my kids at school and no more insurance assistance. Lunch, ok. Insurance?! Insurance is super expensive. Then there’s therapy and medication that’s always an expense. And who knows what my insurance will be this upcoming year. I really wanted to save for a new house. I hate where I live. I want out. I don’t know why I try so hard. I get nowhere. I’m tired of struggling all of the fucking time. And to hear people talking about getting new cars for birthdays and all kinds of things, makes me feel worse. Why does my life have to be such a struggle? It’s not right. This world is such a fucked up place. I’m starting to feel depressed. Suffocated. I am tired of fighting for everything. It shouldn’t be so hard. I’m convinced life will never be easy for me. I’m not meant to make it.

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Have you ever…

…been so angry that you’re super calm? That’s how I feel about my anxiety and state of mind right now. Last night was awful with my anxiety and this morning it made me sick. I felt like I was losing my mind and now I’m just oddly calm. Like I’ve just given up for the day. I can’t work. I’ve gotten like 2 things done today. I have therapy which maybe is good. I’m just waiting for 2pm because then I have meetings until I leave at 3pm. 

I give up right now. Tired of fighting my way through life.

No title

I can’t keep on like this. Everything is pissing me off. My two friends and I have this Facebook group message and my one friend posts a funny meme almost every morning. The other girl always insists on never laughing or joining in on the humor of it and always has to get philosophical. It’s so fucking annoying. She kills it for me.

I’m tired of holding shit in. It’s killing me. I really don’t want to go to therapy anymore or see my psychiatrist. What the fuck am I paying for? I am trying yet another anxiety medicine and am pretty sure I am completely immune to anti anxiety meds. NOTHING is working. I will try one more, if one more even exists, and then I’m fucking done. I’m so tired of this. I’m DONE.

Fuck everything. I don’t even want this fucking blog or website or Facebook page. It’s all absolutely fucking worthless. I can’t tolerate myself anymore. I hate myself with the greatest passion right now!!!!!! I can’t even express my anger!  No words will do it justice. I am completely out of fucking control!!!!

Lunch lady!!

I am so irritated. I gave my son $20 to put on his lunch account and the fucking lunch lady put it as a $10 bill. Why does this shit happen to me?! I’m hurting for money and $10 is a lot for me right now to just throw away. Why are people so incompetent on getting things accurate? I can’t even say anything because I can’t prove I gave her a fucking $20 bill. I can’t afford these fucking lunches. I have about $50 to my name to live off of for the next week. Fucking kill me.

Deadlines

Work was insane this week. I had a meeting  yesterday late afternoon and my boss imposed some very tight deadlines on this big project for the president of the company. I spent my whole day on part A of this project. Correcting work. Delegating work. Doing my own work. I worked almost 12 hours today and still didn’t get done. We are wrapping up tomorrow morning and are starting part B. I’m so anxious over it. I can’t stop thinking about it and wishing I had gotten a better head start on tomorrow’s part. I hope I sleep tonight. I’m ready for the weekend.

Silent sufferer

I feel like I suffer in silence. No one understands my emotions. If I try to express them to people I feel like I get rejected. 

Tired of doing this alone. And yet I’m the first one people come to when they have their own emotions and need help. Because they know I will understand and will be there for them.

It hurts.

Excercise

So I started this new workout program and OMG my legs hurt. Hello squats! I love it!

I started with light weights. My upper body strength sucks and I’m surprised at how much I can lift. I need to increase for sure. 

I hope it doesn’t take super long to see results! I increased my protein intake by a lot. I can’t believe how little protein I was getting. Protein shakes gross me out but it’s only like a cup at a time so I can suck it up. I have no choice really unless I eat like 25 protein bars or eggs a day and that’s not going to happen. Eggs are kind of gross too but it is what it is.

I had therapy Monday. My lord I was talking so much and so fast. She could tell I needed it because she let me stay about 15 minutes over my time. It felt good getting all of that out and there’s still more. I increased to every other week. That should be better. I see my psychiatrist again on Monday so maybe I can get meds sorted out again too.

My biggest anxiety trigger is…

The fucking GROCERY STORE. 

I stayed in all weekend. I was too much of a mess and needed a break from the world. Today I finished this book and I was feeling a bit alright and thought I’d go to the grocery store so I didn’t stress over finding time for it later in the week.

It never fucking fails. That place stresses me out over anything else in this entire world. More than amusement parks. It tests my anxiety, my patience, my anger. It’s right up there with shopping during Christmas.

People going slow or having zero consideration for others, waiting in line, the width of the line isn’t enough space for your cart barely, the people that bag haven’t got a clue what the fuck they’re doing. I even put things on the scanner in a method that allows for easy bagging and they still are senseless. And heaven forbid you ask them a question. I asked three times what their printer prints out on the check so I knew what to fill out and they both literally went silent and just stared at me.

I always leave there a fucking mess. I couldn’t even write my check. My hand was shaking so badly. I’ve been trying to go more often rather than one big visit because it’s less stressful. I guess I got behind. I need to figure this out though because I can’t continue.

No title

I’ve been boring with titles lately. Actually for a while. I used to try and make them catchy and stuff but for a while it just seems like my posts are just venting and redundant and not involving any kind of creativity. It is what it is.

I cried today. It hurt but it was good I think. I’m still very overwhelmed emotionally and mentally. I have a lot to discuss in therapy. I got a raise at work and as much as I’d like to save, I’m going to take advantage and go to therapy more. Hopefully once a week again. It will be hard given my daughter’s cheerleading schedule but I’m going to do what I can. I really need to go more. I went from once a week to once a month. I was ok for a little while after surgery. I don’t even know when things got so bad for me as of late, I just know it’s been bad for a few months now.

I’m alone again tonight. My daughter makes plans every weekend. It’s rough. On one hand I enjoy the alone time and on the other hand I feel forgotten about and lonely. There’s a lot going on. Things I haven’t talked about here and probably won’t. Probably therapy only topic.

(Sigh) I’m going to finally start my new workout routine tomorrow. I got the weights I needed and was able to save enough to buy the program. I’m really excited and hopeful about it. I have some #bodygoals and working out makes me feel good. It’s only like 3 times a week which is totally doable. I used to intensely workout every day for an hour and I was really dedicated and happy with myself. I want that back.

Goodnight.