It’s been a while…

…since I’ve blogged. It’s actually for good reason. Things with my boyfriend and I have calmed down. Came to some conclusions on how we can make this work and I feel really good about all of it.

I’m still eating better, as in more and a normal amount, and mentally I’ve been much more clear minded. I did have a rough night a couple of nights ago because my sleeping meds weren’t working which has been an issue lately for some reason, and I got angry which led into frustration and tears and a panic attack. Once that was over I decided to try meditation and it really helped to calm me down. I see my psychiatrist on Friday and am going to see what we can do about sleep as this is a big trigger for me.

I had therapy yesterday and am still learning a lot of new techniques to help me through some of these rough things that set me off. I’ve been trying to be more communicative with my boyfriend too when something bothers me so I don’t let it stew and grow. I feel more self aware and not as trapped with everything which feels really nice.

I feel different, more like who I was intended to be and my boyfriend confirmed that I am more like the girl he met. That feels good to know. I’m still trying to figure out who I am but I feel close I think. I just hope I can keep this.

Runaway and coming home

So last night ended badly. I ran away again. At first I just sat outside on the deck but it was taking a stronger and stronger hold on me and I took off. Running away seems to be my MO. I scare myself when I get bad because I know what I’m capable of and running away seems to be the best thing. I tried texting my sister but what she was saying just wasn’t cutting it and so I didn’t damage her, I just stopped talking to her. Partway through my walk, I became so emotionally numb. Disconnected. Total dissociation. And so I just kept walking. I think I was walking for about 3 hours.

In hindsight, Im not sure how safe it is to run away. I mean it causes a lesser damage than staying in and potentially causing more severe damage to my relationship, or things. Throwing things, breaking things, putting holes in walls…things I’ve done In the midst of an episode. But I’m not sure I should be “out there” either if I’m mentally unstable. No telling what I’m capable of out there. Though I’ll be honest in saying that I was ready to die last night. And I didn’t care how.

I eventually went home. Changed my clothes and sat next to my boyfriend. The fear started to settle in the closer I got to my house and sitting next to him was almost unbearable. I wasn’t ready to face him. He didn’t say much. I asked if I could lay with him and he let me but it didn’t feel right. Every time he shifted or breathed I would scream in my head hoping that he’d shift and put his arm around me and just squeeze me. I know I messed things up but I was ready to need him again.

The night was awful. I barely slept and I was so sick over the whole thing. I thought for sure this was the end of us. This just had to be the final straw. How and why could he keep putting up with this? I came to work, still sick To my stomach over all of it and then I got a comment On my last blog post. It was him.

I couldn’t believe it. I started crying at my desk. Tears of relief I guess. I didn’t care. I’d been so numb and empty since last night that I’d kill for even sad tears. I finally could feel again and I needed it.

I don’t know how he loves me, but he does. So my point in writing this is so maybe when this all happens again, I can come back and read this and maybe it will help. I’ve tried this before but I’ll try it again. I’m a mess and why he chooses to be involved in that I will ever understand. But he is the only one, aside from my sister lately, who has taken a serious initiative to be openly involved and wanting to help and understand.

The saddest part about all of this, is that I know this illness will hurt me again. I don’t know when, but it will. That’s just how it goes. I’m ready for my new therapist and it’s hard to have hope but I really just want and need it to help me. I can’t live like this forever.

New Gig and Being Ok

I got signed with a modeling agency which is pretty cool. I have my first promotional gig this Friday. I’m pretty excited about it.

My boyfriend also was away all weekend and I made it! It came a little close, as far as my sanity goes, but I got through it without starting any trouble. Today I got to spend some time with him and I feel better. I love and miss him.

It’s snowing today. A few inches. Ugh.

Pay what!?

So at the end of 2014, my doctor started me on Abilify. In the month I took it I could tell it worked and only cost me $20-$20 bucks. It was like night and day. I was me. I felt like a “normal” person as far as mental illnesses go. My boyfriend even noticed a huge difference.

So here we are in 2015 and I go to refill my prescription. “That’ll be $781 please.” What? Wait, what? Did I hear that correctly? Yes, I did. Apparently my insurance now has an out of pocket expense of $5000 which they would like me to try to meet so they will tack it onto various services. Uh, could we not choose my practically life sustaining medication to do that with?

I called my insurance to see if there was anything at all I could do to have this lowered. Answer: No. We’d like you to try to pay your $5000 max. The good news is, if you pay your meds for 3 months, your deductible is all paid! Oh great! So I’ll just give up my home and get these meds, and the world will be great again! -_-

Meanwhile I am/was going through withdraw symptoms of the meds. Severe shakes and now the mood swings. Do they not realize that helping me get these meds keeps me sane? They don’t care. It’s a money market.

So other than seeing if my dr will send my prescription to Canada so I can get months worth of Abilify for only $45, I checked Healthcare.gov again to see my options. I qualified right away for enrollment and even a special tax credit to reduce my premium. I think I found an insurance that will save me TONS of money and if I checked right, my therapist, my dr and my gyno all take the insurance! I want to double check before I enroll in the plan but I may have found my half life saver.

On a whole other note, I’m missing my dad. I go back and forth between happy for him and sad for my loss. His obituary goes out on Sunday. I wrote it. We collected all his things yesterday which really was just a bunch of junk. However, we did manage to find some really sentimentally valued items that we all split up. My family has had it’s problems and no one has been perfect, but I think I have a great family.

We got Dad’s ashes and death certificates yesterday. So today we are going to get things moving. As morbid as some may believe it to be, and I’m weird like this, I kept the chair that dad passed in. It’s a recliner and having it just makes me feel like he’s here.

I love you, Daddy

New York

We are leaving for New York City today. Staying just until tomorrow. We don’t live too far. It will be my daughter’s first time there. She is so excited. We’re going to go ice skating in Times Square, walk through Central Park, shop and eat yummy foods. It will be beautiful there I’m sure since it’s Christmas. My family is coming too.

Our family is growing. Sister is getting married and he has a decent sized family. Mostly because everyone is still married and together. My mom has her boyfriend and he has daughters around my age. I am meeting them for the first time this weekend because they’re coming too. They’re both engaged. I always wanted a big family.

Well, I’m going to have a blast this weekend. I am doing really well. Even my boyfriend said that he’s noticed a change since these meds. He said I seem happy and he likes it. I feel like a normal person again, mostly. As normal as I’ll be because I may just be naturally quirky πŸ™‚ I’m ok with that.

Therapy is awesome and is really helping. I think it’s really helpful that he is a male. I get insight I wouldn’t be able to get with a woman, and it’s insight that I need. He is really helping me get better and I trust him and it’s just great.

I’m happy πŸ™‚ For the first time I think I really feel real happiness. I like it. I might be growing up a little inside too πŸ™‚

No news is good news

So I don’t think I’ve really posted in awhile, which is a good thing. Things have been great with my boyfriend and mentally I’ve felt a bit more stable. Blame the meds. Blame the therapy. Maybe it’s both. Who knows and I really don’t care. I am just happy to be feeling better.

My klonopin dosage isn’t high enough so I’ve been taking extra as needed. Oops but oh well. I go back to the doctor soon so I’ll see if she will up it. I think the Abilify is actually helping. I don’t seem to be having as many made up scenarios in my head that I am so certain are happening and I just feel more down to earth.

The past few nights I’ve been super moody and irritable. I think I’m PMS’ing which really sucks and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. I have tons of work to do and am trying to help my boyfriend with his stuff because his other employee broke his hand or something. Between the holidays and all that, I just feel drained. So, I’m taking a break to do some writing here, I’m sending the kids to bed early and I’m going to try and catch up a bit.

On the plus side, Christmas is almost here. I did a lot of decorating which I really love. The kids decorated the tree and we’re all ready for Christmas. I was even able to buy them a few things πŸ™‚

I hope things keep looking up.

What I’m thinking about…

Nothing too exciting here to share but I feel like journaling.

I can’t seem to get rid of this cold. I got a cold and sore throat about two weeks ago. It really started with a sore throat and then I think I got a sinus infection. It mostly went away, but I keep getting the sniffles, runny nose and the starts of another sore throat. My stomach has also been upset 😦

One of the girls in my dance group can’t make the one show in February. I opted out for our first dance of the season because I just didn’t like it, but the girl who runs the group texted me tonight and asked if I’d fill in for the girl who can’t make it. It was nice and I said yes. I miss dance. I also am going to start working out again. I really lack the time and motivation to do so, because of time and energy, but it’s something that’s really important to me so I just need to do it. I have a friend helping to keep me accountable which is nice. I haven’t decided when I’m going to start. I honestly think after the holidays is best. It will just be too hectic.

I got my hair done today. I needed a root touch up and a touch up really all over. It’s all fresh and bright. I love it. I already know the next color combo I want. It’s going to be fun. I really love my hair color now. Like, LOVE it, but it is so expensive and comes with some other inconveniences. It will be sad to lose it 😦 😦 😦 😦 but I think I may just change it every year. I used to do that for awhile and maybe it’s best. It’s not that I can’t ever come back to this color again. I don’t know. The new color idea will cost less and require a lot less maintenance, so it’s good all around. I think I’ll ask my boyfriend what he thinks. I love this color 😦 Oh well.

I want to get my nails done and go shopping. I don’t have the money for either right now, but it makes me smile to think about it. Christmas is coming and I have some ideas of what I want to get my kids. Once Christmas is over, I’ll have a little extra money and maybe can treat myself a little bit. Plus, I am going with my daughter and family to New York City the week before Christmas, and I’m hoping to have at least a little bit of money so my daughter can enjoy herself and get a couple of things. It will be her first time there πŸ™‚

My son’s birthday is today. 6 years old. Family came over yesterday evening. I made dinner and it didn’t turn out very well. Usually I cook well but, well it just wasn’t my greatest work. Sad too because my mom’s boyfriend was there and so was my boyfriend! It was the first time he’d ever had anything that I cooked. They all said it was good but I think they were just being nice. The cake I made was really good though πŸ™‚ It was the first time my family met my boyfriend. I was so excited and happy and it went so well. I love him πŸ™‚

Speaking of him…he even stayed the whole evening and through the night. It was so great. He is away tonight and I’m ok! I think I am.

I’m ready for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. I’m trying to prepare a little, mentally, because I have a feeling next year my mom will go with her boyfriend for Thanksgiving. And since my sister will be with her husband and his family, that leaves me alone. I mean, I’ll have my kids but still.

I think I feel mostly ok otherwise. I don’t feel like I’m going to go crazy and I don’t think I really have any significant paranoid thoughts or concerns as of right now.

The kids and I got fresh bagels this morning, and I got coffee. It was so yummy. I love getting bagels and coffee in the morning like that.

I think that’s it for now πŸ™‚

Therapy Session #6

I think today was the 6th session.

It was good. Hard, but good. Tonight we talked more about where my delusional thoughts are coming from. More about my childhood and my dysfunctional ‘relationship’ with my dad. The “things” that have happened. Not in too much depth but enough that he knows the basics.

We talked about me and who I am. I asked him if he generally feels normal. Does he go out every day and just feel normal. Like he blends in with the rest of the world in a general sense. I shared with him how I don’t. I feel like I’m this whole other species. Like I don’t function anywhere near how other people do.

He explained to me that on some level, everyone experiences the same things I do. The delusional thought patterns. Mine are just more extreme or unhealthy/uncontrolled. As far as who I am, I am different. I’ve got bright red-magenta-ish hair. I dress how I feel like dressing. That’s not normal. I said, “Well, I like the color and I just don’t care.” Β And he said, “Exactly. Almost everyone else does care. They’re too afraid to be that bold.” He was saying that it’s the differences about people that make each person so spectacular and that I would most likely hate it if I tried to be ‘normal’ because it would be boring to me. It’s just not me.

On some level, I get this. I’ve said this very thing. On another level, I don’t know. I told him how I just watch other people. How they function. How they interact with others among friends etc, and I can’t relate. I told him how, I feel like everything in my past was unhealthy. I basically have absolutely no foundation to function in life and so I feel like I’m just out there, taking shots and hoping I make it, with no real direction or guidance. I feel like a little kid in need of little kid things, but I’m an adult and I have my own kids and so I’m just in this very weird conflicted state.

And so his response was a head nod and a statement that it’s like I’m an infant again in a mental/emotional sense. I’ve got to start all over. As scary as that is, and as long as that could take, it’s really pretty necessary. I’ve just got to start over and rework through it all. Fix the dysfunctions. Repair the damage. Start over.

So here I am. It’s hard. I feel like a blank slate. I’m hearing what he’s saying and I get it. I want so badly to try. To practice the things he’s teaching me and to start to feel better.

He doesn’t like the borderline diagnosis because he said he doesn’t like the portion that comes along with it that basically says that the borderline will not get better. They may be “better” but they won’t be cured. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like it because he knows its true and it bothers him, or if he doesn’t like it because he thinks its not true. I’m not sure. Maybe I will ask him.

Will there ever be a day I don’t go crazy when my boyfriend goes on a weekend trip? Will there ever be a day I don’t break out into a mess of sobs, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts because I am SO CERTAIN he is going to leave me or that he’s up to something? Will there ever be a day I don’t create these alternate realities based upon my fears, that get so intense that they just take over and nothing makes sense anymore? And the list goes on. And the answer is I don’t know. I’d like to think one day I’ll be ok. My gut tells me I will forever have to consciously use skills to get through these tough times, but who really knows. I just want to be better. Better than this. Better than I am now.

For right now, I think I want to work on seeing if I am able to just be me. Some of my favorite people, are people who are unique. Is that me? I like my bright hair and I have future plans for more fun color schemes. I guess maybe I’ve got to learn to accept me. Maybe the problem isn’t that other people don’t like or accept me, maybe it’s that I haven’t learned to like or accept me? I’m not sure.

I haven’t really nailed any of this down. I’m just brainstorming. Thinking. Analyzing. Who knows. Thanks for reading. Sorry this was so long.

Non-creative title

I had a good day today I think. I woke up in a mostly good mood. Got to work slightly early. Got some stuff done at work and the day flew by. I may go into work real early again tomorrow. Oh and lunch tomorrow with my boyfriend! Yippee!!!

It smells good in here. I like the warm spicy smells when its cold outside. I mixed this one spice one with warm spice cake (wax melts) and it just smells so good!

Tomorrow is a long day but I get to leave work early which is always nice.

I lost my stamps 😦 It makes me real sad because I have two letters to mail. I had stuff to print and every time I tried, something went wrong. About three ink cartridges needed replaced. Heaven forbid it tell me about all of them all at once. Then I ran out of paper. I had my stamps ready…now I have ink and paper and lost my stamps! 😦 I have no idea where they got to. So sad. One of the things HAS to be mailed tomorrow! But oh well.

I think Β my medicine makes me a little sleepy, which is nice. I’ve been taking it at night and I think it helps me get to sleep. I’m not sure though. I may try it one morning just to see what it actually feels like.

I guess that’s all for now. Goodnight.