So far so good. My anxiety got high this morning. My daughter missed the bus and couldn’t find her uniform shirt for school. Usually I would have lost my shit but I handled it ok. The world wasn’t going to end if she was late for school and my job is flexible so that would have been ok too. I just paced the living room trying to stay calm.
Once I got to work I was better. Got a cup of coffee. Got some things done. Still playing a bit of catch up but it’s not near as bad as I thought it was going to be. I have to get my cat to the vet today so I took a half day at work. This was stressing me out for a while because I didn’t know how I’d get one of my cats in the crate but it will be ok. I’ve been keeping their food in there so they’re familiar.
So, here’s to another decent day. It’s very weird being calm. Like I’m even afraid to let myself get happy or excited about anything for fear that I’ll start swinging my emotions again. I think I just need to work on staying calm for a little while and learn what it feels like, and then gradually let some more positive emotions and expressions come out. My coping skills from partial have definitely helped me. So thankful for that program.
So today was my first day back to work after partial. I was anxious at first but then it went away. I tried to stay real calm and keep my thoughts and emotions in check. I think I did well.
I saw my review today and it was really good. So that’s another positive for my day.
I’m actually doing well without my sleeping meds. It’s one less thing to stress me out. I used to get so upset when they wouldn’t work. Now I just go to bed when I’m tired. My dinner med helps me sleep too but I am weaning myself off of them. It wasn’t my plan but they’re a little pricey and I can’t afford them right now. Worst case I find I can’t do without and I figure something out.
Today was my last day of partial. I started off the day ok but as it neared the end of therapy I started to get real anxious. I’m feeling ok right now. I learned a few coping skills that I’m going to put to use as needed this weekend. I’m sure anxiety will be high with going back to work Monday.
I need to call my insurance and see what my coverage would be for the DBT program. I really really want to do it and need it. Once a month therapy sessions just aren’t cutting it. If I have to stay with that then I need to ask my therapist if we can get on a stricter regimen with DBT which is what we are supposed to be doing.
I’m also thinking a lot about my meds. I stopped sleeping meds and my emergency anxiety meds because I seem to have built up a resistance to sedatives. It really sucks but so far my sleep hasn’t been awful. It’s actually kind of nice not having to be so strict about my eating schedule and stuff for bedtime. The only thing I need to watch now is eating dinner with my dinner meds. I can’t take them before 6:30 or I may get tired too soon. On the plus side they do help me sleep. The dr at partial started me on lexapro for anxiety. It’s an antidepressant that also treats anxiety. Not sure how I feel about it but is worth a shot. So the dr also was telling me about long term side effects of my one medication and said I should come up with a plan for eventually coming off meds.
SO, my thought is to hopefully get into this DBT program which is 18 months and toward the end, wean myself off of my meds. I’m a little nervous but it sounds like a good plan to me. I’d just have to work really hard.
I haven’t written in a while. Things are ok. I stopped talking to that “friend” that let me down. Maybe I overreacted. I will never know. It still hurts to think about but I keep telling myself I did the right thing. It’s really hard for me to tell when I am overreacting or if I am allowed to feel upset about something. Like is this my BPD or is this normal?
It’s Christmas today. I heard it’s snowing. I am seeing some family for breakfast and then my kids are going with their dads so I am going to spend my day cleaning. I was going to get my next piercing on Tuesday when the shop reopens but my tat guy said he will be there!! So maybe I’ll get it today. Merry Christmas to me.
As I write this, a cat is attacking my window. Wtf? Maybe he is cold?
Work was crazy again today but I wasn’t as stressed about it as I was yesterday. I do find that with the management stuff I’ve been doing, I’ve hardly had any time for my own accounts. Tomorrow I need to get caught up after I finish this project for my boss. People weren’t emailing me like they were yesterday either which was a good break. I’m not giving myself any new accounts though so eventually my time will free up a little.
One friend of mine at work knows about my anxiety and takes the same medicine as me. She told me today that I’m like a different person lately and I even look better like the color of my face. She said I was pale and looked tense and now I have color and look relaxed. Good to know!!
Tonight I do feel a little stressed about tomorrow but I’m trying to stay positive. I wrote myself a note of what I need to get done tomorrow so I shouldn’t be worrying about it all night. “Shouldn’t.”
I’m still feeling good. This is the second weekend now that I didn’t spend stressing and obsessing over going back to work. My hot water heater and heater stopped working on Tuesday. The first and second day I just sucked it up and took a cold bath. I can’t not be clean. Then it started getting real cold in here and I couldn’t stand it anymore so I stayed at my mom’s Thursday night. Took a hot shower. So the plumber comes yesterday and it turns out it wasn’t my hot water heater or heater at all that were broken, it was the outlet they were plugged into! Lucky for me the electrician came right away and fixed it. Super easy he said. Then I had a carpet guy come to measure my house for new carpet. I can’t wait!! They’re having a huge sale right now too.
I think I’m going to let go of my website. It gets decent traffic but my blog gets more. My biggest source of traffic is my post about BPD and pushing loved ones away. It comes up in google searches pretty well. I guess it’s a hot topic. Maybe if I just title more posts about specific educational topics I will get even more traffic and won’t need the site. I’m just getting tired of paying for it.
It’s not a lot in terms of quantity but I got my kids their gifts for Christmas. They were expensive. I got my daughter a laptop. She’s been asking for one for a while, and I got my son a tv for his room. I had my sister get each of them a playstation4 as they both asked for one. This way they can play whenever they want or with friends so we aren’t all sharing the tv. For a while I was so upset because I didn’t think I would have any money to get them anything at all but it’s working out. Idk why I stress because every year I figure it out.
Definition: concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
My therapist told me about this at my last appointment because I was describing how I feel about work and apparently I have this. I am always worried that I am not good and that eventually my bosses will see that. I have facts that backup the contrary but I can’t bring myself to believe them.
Apparently this is common in people that have BPD. I googled it and there were a few articles.
Today I did well again. I thought about work today a bit more than I did yesterday but I wasn’t freaking out like I usually do so that’s good. I hope this stays. I’m excited to tell my doctor how I did this weekend. I even did a few things around the house which is an accomplishment because I’ve had zero motivation due to how bad my anxiety was.
I started a new medicine for my anxiety. I also got my lamictal back. I’m hoping it’s the meds because today I felt normal. I haven’t been obsessively thinking about work and things that cause me anxiety and I haven’t been shaky and paranoid. A couple of times work popped into my head for a couple of seconds and I was ok. I was able to redirect my thoughts. I hope this stays. Tomorrow is Sunday and that means the next day is work so I hope I can make it through. Here’s to hoping I’ve finally found the right medicine.
I guess I’ll start with the medication. My doctor prescribed Ativan for my anxiety. Low dose. I tried it and it didn’t really do much. He allowed for three a day so I tried two and I’m thinking it may be good. It doesn’t cure me of my anxiety but helps to take some of the edge off. We will see. I’m going to give it some more time.
Yesterday was AWFUL. Two significant stressful issues at work that left me crying at my desk. I don’t even want to talk about them because I’m trying not to obsess over them. I hate how my mind does that. It just keeps replaying things over and over. It’s consuming. Today didn’t start out well but I’m trying to be ok.
DBT skills. Lately I’ve been feeling like “fuck these so called skills”. They don’t work. They aren’t skills. They’re distractions. Which my therapist would probably say is a skill in and of itself. Isn’t distracting yourself from a problem the same as suppressing? I feel like I need to plead my case on this. It’s exhausting and all it does is make me feel like a failure when I can’t even manage to do a stupid skill that other people do mindlessly all of the time.
I guess that’s all. Things have been decent otherwise. Some good things going on. School started for the kids which means more work for me but it’s good for them. Sports and stuff.