I just got a wave of positivity over me. I read my horoscope for this month. I wish I would have read it sooner. It didn’t tell me that anything was going to work out but it did tell me that these things would be happening. It just makes me feel like my life is on track. It says it’s a great opportunity for growth even tho it’s awkward. Growth is good. I am hopeful right now. I am behind the scenes afraid because I don’t want to lose this feeling but I’m still ok. I don’t want to ruin this.
Well I’ve been back at work since Monday. I was excited to come back so I could not only get back into my daily routine but so I could start getting a full paycheck again. Since coming back, I don’t feel well again and I’ve come to see that my job is a huge source of stress for me and stress for me leads to my BPD symptoms coming out, sometimes very strong. What’s causing the stress? Boredom. Sales have been down for quite some time and that means my job has been very slow. I literally, almost every day, sit and stare at my screen, play on my phone, surf the internet and listen to music. While some would think, “That’s great! You get paid to do that!?”, it kills me. Boredom is a playground for my BPD. It leads nowhere good. When I was home from surgery, I at least had a tv to escape into. I also didn’t listen to the doctor and did more activities than what I was supposed to, but I wasn’t bored like I am here. There is no mental stimulation whatsoever. That and I am just sitting. All day. Nothing active. When I was home, I was watching my fair share of tv because I wasn’t supposed to be doing much else, but I started working out every day, pulled weeds, cleaned. I DID things. I can’t do things here. I feel like I am wasting my time and life away when I could be doing real things that benefit me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I’ve accomplished some things here that were goals of mine and I am very proud of myself. I’ve gotten promoted a few times and have made it to supervisor and that felt really good. Do I want to give that up? No, not really. Do I need to? Maybe? Possibly. For my sanity.
So now what? The things I want to do will be tough transitions, and transitions they will be. They won’t be as easy as just finding a job and switching over from this to that all while not skipping a paycheck. I don’t want another 8-5 job where I sit at a desk and talk on the phone. I used to love this but it’s just not my thing anymore. Plus my job has evolved to where the accomplishments are so mundane anymore. I don’t get to use my creativity the way I used to when they first created this position. Everything evolves but this isn’t fulfilling anymore.
I decided a few months back that I was going to get my real estate license and do that on the side. My sister is a realtor so she was going to help me. Now I’m thinking I need to dive into that harder and hope it takes off enough that I can leave my job here and not be in financial hardship. What then? There’s more! I’ve always been into fitness. I got out of it for a little while after I did a Tough Mudder, but have recently started back up and I love it. Being active is good for me, mentally and physically. I want to be a yoga instructor. SO…to start, I’m going to start regularly attending yoga classes. It’s going to cost some money but I can make it work because that’s what I do. When I want something, I make it happen. (Except getting rid of this BPD shit. Can’t seem to do that.) So, current job and real estate, then real estate and yoga. It’d be awesome if yoga really took off and eventually I could have my own studio. That’s not a necessity but it’d be cool. I am excited for this change and while I would like it all to happen overnight, I know it will be, like I said before, a tough and long transition. It will surely take time and I need to be patient. The fact that I will have things in place to work up to this along the way will help me get through this job every day.
Now, to the “No Hope” part of my post title. My symptoms were next to nothing while I was at home recovering. They’ve since come back now that I’m working again and have met someone that I heaven forbid have some sort of feelings for. I don’t know why or how this happens. I want to be alone because I feel it’s safer, and someone always comes along. Being alone may be safer, but it’s lonely. I am trying to do things differently this time though. I usually rush the whole process and before I know it I’m in a committed relationship and shit hits the fan and then before I know it, it’s all trashed. Not this time. I have no idea if anything will come of it but I’m focusing on being friends first. My symptoms are still there, which makes it still very hard, but it’s a reminder to me as to why I need to move very slowly and cautiously with this. No sense in throwing titles in there only for them to have to be taken away because I “can’t handle it”. I feel good about this new approach. It’s how it should be anyway but it’s new to me and it feels good and right to do things this way.
I know this post is forever long, and if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I write for me, to get things out, but it’s nice when I hear or see that people have read it. I appreciate it. I’ve been working really hard at staying positive and not letting myself escalate out of control. I’ve had a couple of moments here and there, but I do give myself credit because I have done very well actually. I just sometimes feel like this will never go away. That is very discouraging, especially to know that I might be right. Might also not be right, but might be right.
Well I am 4 weeks post surgery and am feeling awesome. I am allowed to go back to work early, Monday, but was yelled at for working out so soon. Bummer because it was really making me feel good but I promised no more exercising for another two weeks. Only walking she said. Boo.
I’m really excited to get my routine back. I have noticed some really positive mood changes since surgery which may be some hormonal balance going on, but I’m curious to see if that remains after going back to work. I guess we will see.
I learned something about myself yesterday. In some ways it’s been right in front of me for years but I guess it was so normal to me because it’s how I grew up, that I never realized how much it added to my BPD symptoms. Long story short, I need to stop being such a people pleaser. I need to do things that make me feel good, regardless of what others think, and I need to and deserve to refrain from things that don’t make me happy or feel good. And that needs to be respected or that person doesn’t deserve a place in my life. I am tired of people trying to change me. If I don’t want to go out because it affects my anxiety, then I don’t have to go. If I don’t feel comfortable doing something else, it’s final. I tend to go outside of my comfort zone too much for others and all it does is create a lot of internal conflict for me and a lot of resentment toward the other person until it turns into pure hatred and I explode. I’m so over that! And I feel great about this and great about myself.
This surgery has been somewhat life changing and although it had its own set of stressors, I’d do it all again.
Well things are turning around. Break up is official. I was really upset but now I’m feeling better about it. Relationships just aren’t for me and I accept that. This is just who I am and I accept that I don’t need to fit into this mold that I think I should fit into. I am ok just being me and needing what I need for myself, and not what society may think I should be.
In a month or so I will begin studying to get my real estate license. I need extra income. My sister is a realtor so we are going to team up and work together. I’m really excited about it and hope it works out well.
Money has been tight lately, not that that is news or anything. I have had some positives in that respect so I can’t complain too much. I’m making it so that is really all that matters.
I have therapy all set up through March so that is good. My meds are all figured out and perfect now so that is also good. Things are looking up 🙂
I know I am posting a lot but talking to myself is better than holding it in.
I am understanding my impatience about this whole thing. It is really just fear. Fear that during the waiting period he will forget about me. He will realize he is better off without me. And maybe that will be the case and that will just have to be something I deal with.
This impatience driven by fear really just tells me that I’m not ready yet. I’m not where I need to be or where he wants me to be. Intellectually I know that I want to be with him and I will bust my ass to be a better person for him and myself. However, emotionally, I’m unprepared and just not in that healthy place that I should be.
Keep going. It’s barely been any time at all. There is work to be done and it needs done whether we get back together or not. Of course, if we don’t, I will have a whole new shit show to work with in therapy, but these are positive strides nonetheless and I need more consistency here before I am ready for anything.
I had a half day of work today for an appointment.
I keep going in circles about this whole thing. On one hand, I already know that I want this relationship and if anyone needs to think about it, it’s him. I mean,when I do come to the point that I ask him if he will try again with me, how will he really know if I’m ready or not? I feel like it’s him that needs time.
But then I try to think more logically and think ok, time is good. I think my biggest fear is that the longer I wait, the higher the chance of him telling me no. But if I am too quick, if what he thinks is too quick, he will just think I am full of shit.
How do I know when it’s good timing? Thinking healthily, as much as I just want this to happen because I know my mind is made up, going slow is best. I should get some more therapy in and let things cool down.
There are too many questions around this and I don’t like the uncertainty which is yet another reason that I think waiting is good for me. Waiting is not something I would typically do or have ever done and going out on a limb, when the day comes, and seeing if he will take me back, is 100% something I would never do. I need to go outside of my comfort zone no matter how terrifying it may be.
So I guess I’m really battling this. The big when is the question and I just don’t have that answer and I don’t like that. I just don’t want to mess this up.
Well it’s a new day. I made it through the night last night without doing anything stupid. I talked about things with my friend for a bit and went to bed. I was upset but didn’t lose my shit.
This morning I focused on some affirmations and self esteem boosters I have written up. I keep them in my phone so I can read them as needed. They’re helpful.
I’m really ready for therapy which isn’t until Monday but I’m hanging on. I’m just happy I got my meds figured out. Therapy should be good and productive I hope. I’m mainly just trying to be very self aware of what is going on in my head and why.
I hope I can stay on this path.
So I was writing something to myself and realized that if he were writing the same type of thing about me, there are a lot of cons to being with me and hardly any pros. Maybe that is me being down on myself but maybe it is true. I believe it is.
I’ve given him absolutely no reason to be or stay with me, or to ever try with me again.
I need to change. Even if he doesn’t ever want me again, I am not the person I would have liked to think I was. That person is in me but has been so damaged and masked by my issues and I need to get her back.
I’ve not been a good person overall. I want to be a good person. Sure, I will never be perfect, but I could be a hell of a lot better than what I’ve been. Especially in regards to how I treat people who care for me.
I have a lot of inventory to do with myself. I’m already finding a lot of negative things about myself that I just never would have thought and don’t like admitting have been true. Work is so slow; can you tell? I’ve had so much time to think.
This is a letter to me. I figured I should write this while I’m in a clear mindset. I am starting to feel some emotions and I will surely need this when things get rough.
Are you sad? Yes. Does this hurt? Yes. It does. It hurts a lot. And of course it will. It makes sense that you’re sad and hurting. You lost someone you care about deeply and anyone would be feeling sad and hurt right now. Losing someone is hard, especially when the fault is your own. You can sit here and be down on yourself if you want. You can degrade yourself, put yourself down and point fingers at yourself for as long as you want. Sure, you could self harm, think about suicide and give yourself reason after reason as to why you should do that, you could go to the hospital again. Is that really what you want though? No. What you want is to feel better, to do better. Those things will halt your progress. They will keep you steps away from where you want to be. Him aside, you deserve to be happy, to feel good, to be loved and to love. It’s no secret that you have a mental illness and sometimes it will kick your ass, but you have to kick back and taking care of yourself and making it through this is the best way to do that. The more good you do, the easier it will get and the less control it will have over you.
Does it still hurt? Of course it does. You can’t stop the pain and you shouldn’t. You just need to learn how to process it in a healthy way and be productive with it. It is possible. Do it now. Keep doing it. You will be ok. Take this pain and use it to your advantage to learn more about yourself and life. You got this.