So last night turned into another full swing episode. I tried to reach out to my boyfriend. I ended up going and laying in bed and realized at one point what I was doing and that I needed to fight it. I texted him and asked him to come hold me.
About 10 minutes later. He did. I could feel it growing inside me. Consuming me. It was coming and it was almost ready to strike. I tried to stay still. Keep my eyes closed. Not make a sound. Like I was hiding from a monster, except the monster was growing inside me. I remember my eyes shooting open and just searching. It was telling me all of the things I could throw and destroy if I got up out of bed.
My boyfriend told me to roll over and look at him but I didn’t want to unleash this demon. When I did try to roll over, the crazy set in. I wrestled him a little and told him if I got my hands on the water bottle on the table I was going to throw it across the room. Well I got it, I think twice.
He got mad and left me. I was so broken. He left me. I raced out the front door and started my walking. Talking out loud and repeating shit over and over. I felt out of my mind. I eventually came to a bench and sat down. I hate watching myself be stupid and destructive and this time I could sort of hear myself telling me to stop. Thank God I did because last time I got pretty far from home; as far as walking is concerned.
After blowing up my boyfriend’s phone, I texted my sister. I could feel it going away but I knew it wasn’t quite done with me yet. Then the tears set in. I kept thinking about my family. My boyfriend and all of the kids and I just wanted to be part of it. I was so ashamed though and didn’t know how to go back home. How do I just rejoin the family? I felt so undeserving and confused; unworthy.
I talked to my sister. She drove to me so we could talk and it helped. We ended up laughing about something totally unrelated. It was nice though. Then she drove me home and we did my boyfriend’s son’s belated birthday cake. It was nice.
The rest of the night was ok but I felt like the little girl that I used to always talk about. I don’t talk about her much anymore. She’s too vulnerable. It’s easier to suppress. But this fucking demon loves the extra attention.
It’s draining. It literally sucks the energy out of me. I could have curled up and slept on the ground last night had my sister not shown up. I just needed someone to be there, talk to me, help me to reset and to give me the strength and confidence to go back home.