Please Repost

California State University San Marcos
Scale Validation Survey II (IRB Code Number: 893513-1)

A self-report questionnaire is being developed for people with various psychiatric diagnoses. This study aims to examine if this questionnaire is measuring the phenomenon of interest. We hope that our research will lead to further research and potential clinical applications. You must have a formal psychiatric diagnosis, be fluent in English, and be at least 18 years of age to participate. This study is open to US and non-US residents. You are not eligible to participate if you participated in our recent interview and survey studies. This survey takes approximately 15 to 25 minutes to complete.

To participate in this online research study, please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/PYFK69R

To learn more about this research study, please contact the researcher, Stephanie Price (price049@cougars.csusm.edu), or the advisor, Dr. Heike Mahler (hmahler@csusm.edu).

Therapy and Finances

So I need to significantly cut back on therapy; like to once a month. I simply can’t afford it. It’s one of my biggest expenses and I just don’t have the money for it. My mom was going to help a little but only enough for two visits and that right there takes care of one therapy appointment and my med management appointment each month.

Finances are as bad as they’ve ever been. I’ve been leaving bills unpaid because I just don’t have any other choice. I don’t go out. I don’t buy myself things. I buy things for my kids whenever possible but they both need more. It kills me. So I’ve been not paying bills so I can at least feel like I have some sort of financial freedom. I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of killing myself over it. My credit is already fucked so who cares anymore.

I’m hoping when I get my real estate license, soon I hope, that it works out well. Just a couple of sales a year and I will be in a much better place than I am now. Hell, if I can sell one house I’d be happy. At this rate I would be happy getting 5 bucks standing on the side of the street with a cardboard sign.

Checking In

Well it’s a new day. I made it through the night last night without doing anything stupid. I talked about things with my friend for a bit and went to bed. I was upset but didn’t lose my shit.

This morning I focused on some affirmations and self esteem boosters I have written up. I keep them in my phone so I can read them as needed. They’re helpful.

I’m really ready for therapy which isn’t until Monday but I’m hanging on. I’m just happy I got my meds figured out. Therapy should be good and productive I hope. I’m mainly just trying to be very self aware of what is going on in my head and why.

I hope I can stay on this path.

Self awareness is sad

So I was writing something to myself and realized that if he were writing the same type of thing about me, there are a lot of cons to being with me and hardly any pros. Maybe that is me being down on myself but maybe it is true. I believe it is.

I’ve given him absolutely no reason to be or stay with me, or to ever try with me again.

I need to change. Even if he doesn’t ever want me again, I am not the person I would have liked to think I was. That person is in me but has been so damaged and masked by my issues and I need to get her back.

I’ve not been a good person overall. I want to be a good person. Sure, I will never be perfect, but I could be a hell of a lot better than what I’ve been. Especially in regards to how I treat people who care for me.

I have a lot of inventory to do with myself. I’m already finding a lot of negative things about myself that I just never would have thought and don’t like admitting have been true. Work is so slow; can you tell? I’ve had so much time to think.

To Myself

This is a letter to me. I figured I should write this while I’m in a clear mindset. I am starting to feel some emotions and I will surely need this when things get rough.

Are you sad? Yes. Does this hurt? Yes. It does. It hurts a lot. And of course it will. It makes sense that you’re sad and hurting. You lost someone you care about deeply and anyone would be feeling sad and hurt right now. Losing someone is hard, especially when the fault is your own. You can sit here and be down on yourself if you want. You can degrade yourself, put yourself down and point fingers at yourself for as long as you want. Sure, you could self harm, think about suicide and give yourself reason after reason as to why you should do that, you could go to the hospital again. Is that really what you want though? No. What you want is to feel better, to do better. Those things will halt your progress. They will keep you steps away from where you want to be. Him aside, you deserve to be happy, to feel good, to be loved and to love. It’s no secret that you have a mental illness and sometimes it will kick your ass, but you have to kick back and taking care of yourself and making it through this is the best way to do that. The more good you do, the easier it will get and the less control it will have over you.

Does it still hurt? Of course it does. You can’t stop the pain and you shouldn’t. You just need to learn how to process it in a healthy way and be productive with it. It is possible. Do it now. Keep doing it. You will be ok. Take this pain and use it to your advantage to learn more about yourself and life. You got this.

Some clarity

So I’m feeling half ok today. Yesterday felt like a breakthrough. Finally understanding where I am, where I’ve been, and where I need to be; mentally.

I’ve never been very hopeful of getting better but that’s not even an option anymore. I don’t know if he will even still be available or want me when I am where I need to be, but I need to do this. Even just for myself. This illness has officially ruined my life and I can’t allow that anymore.

I have some things planned for myself and some back up plans as needed. I am going to be blogging a lot probably just to keep myself going and to be able to reflect.

Therapy is first and foremost. I finally found a sleep med and regimen that works so that takes care of my meds finally. Therapy, I am going back to weekly sessions and will take the hit on losing work time. That’s why I have FMLA. I may as well use it.

I am going to be working more on skills, mainly finding and using wise mind as often as I can. I also have some meditatation tools that I am going to be working with on a daily basis.

I keep telling myself that I am not magically better. I know I will still struggle. I will have intense emotions that may set me out of control, but I am trying to keep focused on returning to this place. I don’t process things but I can’t and won’t ever learn to process anything if I turn everything into rage or act like everything is butterflies and rainbows all of the time. I’m allowed to not feel ok, but that doesn’t have to mean that I need to self harm or kill myself either. I’m going to find this gray area I’ve been trying to find my whole life. 

I will do this.

Newsflash

So I finally get it. I don’t know why it took til now or how it finally sunk in, but I know what he is looking for.

If anyone reading this has followed my blog well, you will know that I’m a very emotional person and I tend to make reactive decisions based on emotions I have at that very moment.

One of the first things I learned in therapy, which is a very hard skill for me, is using wise mind. I don’t use this much at all. If I did, I wouldn’t be in this situation. 

So I get it. I need to get through this rough patch. Let him officially move out which I’m sure will spark up some intense emotions for a period of time. It’s not to say it won’t ever affect me again but in time the emotions will settle and I will be able to make a decision using my wise mind. 

For those that don’t know, wise mind is like logic meets emotion. The gray area between the two. 

I don’t even know if he will still be around when this happens but I am going to do this, I WILL, and hope for the best.

Out of inpatient

Well shit got real again and this time I went to the hospital. Was in for about 4 days. The program has really changed since I’ve last been there. It wasn’t nearly as helpful but there were a couple of positives and some real negatives as well.

Looking back and with some talking with my social worker and filling out some paperwork, I recognized one of my biggest triggers and I came up with a plan to hopefully decrease that as a stressor. I started that today and already can see and feel it paying off.

I came home yesterday afternoon. I was so ready to come home and yet so afraid to face to world again; home, family, people, work.

Coming out I felt like a small pet in a new home. Or like a lost child. I was jumpy at everything, scared and nervous and a bit clingy to my boyfriend. I didn’t even want to drive.

I took today off from work yet and while I don’t feel quite ready, I’m going back tomorrow. 

Yesterday and today I’ve been trying my hardest to do a few things. 1. Stay calm. Everything I do and feel is with so much intensity so I’m trying really hard to keep at a better level with everything. It’s very hard because it makes me feel lost. I don’t really know myself any other way. 2. Keep my stress low. I am trying to recognize what stresses me out and either figure out a way to lessen the stress, or just walking away and asking to put it on hold. 3. Lastly, I’m trying to talk more. Tell people how I feel, especially before a potential storm.

One thing I noticed while being in there is that my phone and all of the constant connections to the outside world are major stressors. I don’t even really like texting anymore. I hardly want my phone on anymore unless I’m out alone and may need it.

I hope to not have to go back but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t the last time.

I did learn a few other coping skills. Just simple things like coloring that really help to distract me and calm me down, so I think I should get myself some coloring supplies.

My psychiatrist has been amazing through everything and I’m really thankful to have found him.

I guess that’s all for now.

Wow…am I ok?

Ok so when I went to my psychiatrist on Monday, he increased my one med. yesterday was great. My anxiety wasn’t bad, at least not that I remember. I was ok, feeling ok, in a goodish mood (I’m afraid to say good), no outbursts of rage or even slight episodes. Today so far has been the same.

I’m scared saying all of this for fear of something happening but I need to write these updates because they help me track how I’m doing with new meds or med changes.

I hope this continues.