Facebook tagging

Why do I even try tagging people when they never reply? It literally takes less than a second to at least hit the like button. Makes me feel like shit. I’m trying to be chill because my tagging sometimes doesn’t work. Idk though. Fuck people.

On a more positive note, it’s Thanksgiving. I am actually thankful for a lot of things (except for the fact that my water heater and heat just broke and it’s freezing in here). Very thankful for my mom and Sister. They stick by me. Thankful that I have a good job. Even though I struggle financially, we have all we need. House, clothes, food. The fact that I don’t have to cook today. Lol kidding. I love cooking but we are going to my mom’s and she likes to do it all. My sister and her husband originally weren’t coming but now they are! So happy.

Thankful that my new meds are AMAZING!! I feel like a new person. It’s great.

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Imposter Syndrome

Definition: concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

My therapist told me about this at my last appointment because I was describing how I feel about work and apparently I have this. I am always worried that I am not good and that eventually my bosses will see that. I have facts that backup the contrary but I can’t bring myself to believe them.

Apparently this is common in people that have BPD. I googled it and there were a few articles.

Today I did well again. I thought about work today a bit more than I did yesterday but I wasn’t freaking out like I usually do so that’s good. I hope this stays. I’m excited to tell my doctor how I did this weekend. I even did a few things around the house which is an accomplishment because I’ve had zero motivation due to how bad my anxiety was.

Good day.

Buspar

I started a new medicine for my anxiety. I also got my lamictal back. I’m hoping it’s the meds because today I felt normal. I haven’t been obsessively thinking about work and things that cause me anxiety and I haven’t been shaky and paranoid. A couple of times work popped into my head for a couple of seconds and I was ok. I was able to redirect my thoughts. I hope this stays. Tomorrow is Sunday and that means the next day is work so I hope I can make it through. Here’s to hoping I’ve finally found the right medicine.

Med update

Ugh I had to leave work early. My anxiety got too bad and I couldn’t even stand the thought of staying 6 more hours. 

My dr is having me try buspar. I took it before and it was ok. We will see. It takes time to be effective tho. He also wanted me to break up my geodon and take one in the morning. I tried that today and I think that’s what set me off this morning. It makes me feel tired and heavy and I don’t like that feeling at work. I felt like I couldn’t function a hundred percent.

I don’t understand why this can’t just go away. 😦

Excercise

So I started this new workout program and OMG my legs hurt. Hello squats! I love it!

I started with light weights. My upper body strength sucks and I’m surprised at how much I can lift. I need to increase for sure. 

I hope it doesn’t take super long to see results! I increased my protein intake by a lot. I can’t believe how little protein I was getting. Protein shakes gross me out but it’s only like a cup at a time so I can suck it up. I have no choice really unless I eat like 25 protein bars or eggs a day and that’s not going to happen. Eggs are kind of gross too but it is what it is.

I had therapy Monday. My lord I was talking so much and so fast. She could tell I needed it because she let me stay about 15 minutes over my time. It felt good getting all of that out and there’s still more. I increased to every other week. That should be better. I see my psychiatrist again on Monday so maybe I can get meds sorted out again too.

Nothing is working!!

I am so fucking tired of this. This medicine worked like once. I’ve tried taking it with food. Taking it without food. Drinking more liquids. Drinking less. I can’t keep fucking living like this. Why is nothing working!?!?

I am so tired of this trial and error with medicine. I did this for years and thought I finally had it right and then my klonopin went and stopped working. This is fucking bullshit.

I can’t focus. I’m afraid to drive. Everything feels like it’s attacking me. My thoughts are racing. I can’t sit still. I’m tense. It gets so bad that my vision gets fucked and lights are too bright. Does that even make fucking sense?!? What the fuck is happening and why isn’t anything helping me!! I won’t but I am so desperate I just want to swallow my whole bottle of pills and hope for relief.

This is un-fucking-believable.

Another new med

So I tried this new medication today. I’m going to give it some time but I think it may work. At this point I’m thinking a little higher dose but we will see. It’s not even an anxiety med. Go figure anxiety meds don’t help me and this does. It’s like an anticonvulsant. I’m a little nervous because a side effect is mood changes and I already take a medicine to stop those symptoms. I hope it doesn’t cancel that out. Gabepentin? Something like that.

Phone tag

Ugh. So either my anxiety just skyrocketed even more, or my new medicine made me worse. I was a wreck. Played phone tag with my psychiatrist before they finally closed for the holiday. My therapist told me to call the answering service. I did. The doctor on call told me to go to the hospital!! Yea fucking right! So they can keep me there?! No thank you. Looking back I feel slightly bad but I told him basically that he was useless and I hung up on him. I was in a panic. I drank my way calm which I’m sure my doctor wouldnt want to hear but I was in a rut.

More phone tag and I finally decided I was going to schedule an appointment with him because I was sure I’d never reach him and can’t keep on like this. I had to cancel my appointment with my therapist because they fell on the same day. Go figure a couple of hours later, today, my doctor finally got a hold of me. He is prescribing something else for me and isn’t requiring me to come in for an appointment. I still have to go back in 2 weeks to follow up but they want me to go to therapy so that appointment is back on.

What a fucking mess. I hope this new stuff works. I can’t remember what it’s called. It was long and and ends with an n. Lol hope it works!

New meds & more

I guess I’ll start with the medication. My doctor prescribed Ativan for my anxiety. Low dose. I tried it and it didn’t really do much. He allowed for three a day so I tried two and I’m thinking it may be good. It doesn’t cure me of my anxiety but helps to take some of the edge off. We will see. I’m going to give it some more time.

Yesterday was AWFUL. Two significant stressful issues at work that left me crying at my desk. I don’t even want to talk about them because I’m trying not to obsess over them. I hate how my mind does that. It just keeps replaying things over and over. It’s consuming. Today didn’t start out well but I’m trying to be ok.

DBT skills. Lately I’ve been feeling like “fuck these so called skills”. They don’t work. They aren’t skills. They’re distractions. Which my therapist would probably say is a skill in and of itself. Isn’t distracting yourself from a problem the same as suppressing? I feel like I need to plead my case on this. It’s exhausting and all it does is make me feel like a failure when I can’t even manage to do a stupid skill that other people do mindlessly all of the time.

I guess that’s all. Things have been decent otherwise. Some good things going on. School started for the kids which means more work for me but it’s good for them. Sports and stuff.