So I started this new workout program and OMG my legs hurt. Hello squats! I love it!

I started with light weights. My upper body strength sucks and I’m surprised at how much I can lift. I need to increase for sure. 

I hope it doesn’t take super long to see results! I increased my protein intake by a lot. I can’t believe how little protein I was getting. Protein shakes gross me out but it’s only like a cup at a time so I can suck it up. I have no choice really unless I eat like 25 protein bars or eggs a day and that’s not going to happen. Eggs are kind of gross too but it is what it is.

I had therapy Monday. My lord I was talking so much and so fast. She could tell I needed it because she let me stay about 15 minutes over my time. It felt good getting all of that out and there’s still more. I increased to every other week. That should be better. I see my psychiatrist again on Monday so maybe I can get meds sorted out again too.


Nothing is working!!

I am so fucking tired of this. This medicine worked like once. I’ve tried taking it with food. Taking it without food. Drinking more liquids. Drinking less. I can’t keep fucking living like this. Why is nothing working!?!?

I am so tired of this trial and error with medicine. I did this for years and thought I finally had it right and then my klonopin went and stopped working. This is fucking bullshit.

I can’t focus. I’m afraid to drive. Everything feels like it’s attacking me. My thoughts are racing. I can’t sit still. I’m tense. It gets so bad that my vision gets fucked and lights are too bright. Does that even make fucking sense?!? What the fuck is happening and why isn’t anything helping me!! I won’t but I am so desperate I just want to swallow my whole bottle of pills and hope for relief.

This is un-fucking-believable.

Another new med

So I tried this new medication today. I’m going to give it some time but I think it may work. At this point I’m thinking a little higher dose but we will see. It’s not even an anxiety med. Go figure anxiety meds don’t help me and this does. It’s like an anticonvulsant. I’m a little nervous because a side effect is mood changes and I already take a medicine to stop those symptoms. I hope it doesn’t cancel that out. Gabepentin? Something like that.

Phone tag

Ugh. So either my anxiety just skyrocketed even more, or my new medicine made me worse. I was a wreck. Played phone tag with my psychiatrist before they finally closed for the holiday. My therapist told me to call the answering service. I did. The doctor on call told me to go to the hospital!! Yea fucking right! So they can keep me there?! No thank you. Looking back I feel slightly bad but I told him basically that he was useless and I hung up on him. I was in a panic. I drank my way calm which I’m sure my doctor wouldnt want to hear but I was in a rut.

More phone tag and I finally decided I was going to schedule an appointment with him because I was sure I’d never reach him and can’t keep on like this. I had to cancel my appointment with my therapist because they fell on the same day. Go figure a couple of hours later, today, my doctor finally got a hold of me. He is prescribing something else for me and isn’t requiring me to come in for an appointment. I still have to go back in 2 weeks to follow up but they want me to go to therapy so that appointment is back on.

What a fucking mess. I hope this new stuff works. I can’t remember what it’s called. It was long and and ends with an n. Lol hope it works!

New meds & more

I guess I’ll start with the medication. My doctor prescribed Ativan for my anxiety. Low dose. I tried it and it didn’t really do much. He allowed for three a day so I tried two and I’m thinking it may be good. It doesn’t cure me of my anxiety but helps to take some of the edge off. We will see. I’m going to give it some more time.

Yesterday was AWFUL. Two significant stressful issues at work that left me crying at my desk. I don’t even want to talk about them because I’m trying not to obsess over them. I hate how my mind does that. It just keeps replaying things over and over. It’s consuming. Today didn’t start out well but I’m trying to be ok.

DBT skills. Lately I’ve been feeling like “fuck these so called skills”. They don’t work. They aren’t skills. They’re distractions. Which my therapist would probably say is a skill in and of itself. Isn’t distracting yourself from a problem the same as suppressing? I feel like I need to plead my case on this. It’s exhausting and all it does is make me feel like a failure when I can’t even manage to do a stupid skill that other people do mindlessly all of the time.

I guess that’s all. Things have been decent otherwise. Some good things going on. School started for the kids which means more work for me but it’s good for them. Sports and stuff.

Please Repost

California State University San Marcos
Scale Validation Survey II (IRB Code Number: 893513-1)

A self-report questionnaire is being developed for people with various psychiatric diagnoses. This study aims to examine if this questionnaire is measuring the phenomenon of interest. We hope that our research will lead to further research and potential clinical applications. You must have a formal psychiatric diagnosis, be fluent in English, and be at least 18 years of age to participate. This study is open to US and non-US residents. You are not eligible to participate if you participated in our recent interview and survey studies. This survey takes approximately 15 to 25 minutes to complete.

To participate in this online research study, please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/PYFK69R

To learn more about this research study, please contact the researcher, Stephanie Price (price049@cougars.csusm.edu), or the advisor, Dr. Heike Mahler (hmahler@csusm.edu).

Therapy and Finances

So I need to significantly cut back on therapy; like to once a month. I simply can’t afford it. It’s one of my biggest expenses and I just don’t have the money for it. My mom was going to help a little but only enough for two visits and that right there takes care of one therapy appointment and my med management appointment each month.

Finances are as bad as they’ve ever been. I’ve been leaving bills unpaid because I just don’t have any other choice. I don’t go out. I don’t buy myself things. I buy things for my kids whenever possible but they both need more. It kills me. So I’ve been not paying bills so I can at least feel like I have some sort of financial freedom. I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of killing myself over it. My credit is already fucked so who cares anymore.

I’m hoping when I get my real estate license, soon I hope, that it works out well. Just a couple of sales a year and I will be in a much better place than I am now. Hell, if I can sell one house I’d be happy. At this rate I would be happy getting 5 bucks standing on the side of the street with a cardboard sign.

Checking In

Well it’s a new day. I made it through the night last night without doing anything stupid. I talked about things with my friend for a bit and went to bed. I was upset but didn’t lose my shit.

This morning I focused on some affirmations and self esteem boosters I have written up. I keep them in my phone so I can read them as needed. They’re helpful.

I’m really ready for therapy which isn’t until Monday but I’m hanging on. I’m just happy I got my meds figured out. Therapy should be good and productive I hope. I’m mainly just trying to be very self aware of what is going on in my head and why.

I hope I can stay on this path.

Self awareness is sad

So I was writing something to myself and realized that if he were writing the same type of thing about me, there are a lot of cons to being with me and hardly any pros. Maybe that is me being down on myself but maybe it is true. I believe it is.

I’ve given him absolutely no reason to be or stay with me, or to ever try with me again.

I need to change. Even if he doesn’t ever want me again, I am not the person I would have liked to think I was. That person is in me but has been so damaged and masked by my issues and I need to get her back.

I’ve not been a good person overall. I want to be a good person. Sure, I will never be perfect, but I could be a hell of a lot better than what I’ve been. Especially in regards to how I treat people who care for me.

I have a lot of inventory to do with myself. I’m already finding a lot of negative things about myself that I just never would have thought and don’t like admitting have been true. Work is so slow; can you tell? I’ve had so much time to think.